Friday, September 02, 2011

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City of dreams. Fount of poetic imagination. Beauty that can inspire divine music. None of these describes Utrecht, which is like any other Dutch city. It sounds like "uterus" and looks like one. No, it's actually quite nice and boasts of being the fourth largest city in the Netherlands, a feat that would impress the unambitious. But I was not there to take in the city's sights and sounds (nobody does that any more) but to take in some alcohol with the man with the aquiline nose.

Sandeep has followed me here as well. He has been sent here for a few months and, by the looks of it, will spend the rest of his life here. To drown his sorrow over this matter, I, of noble heart, take along with me one Glen Moray, a single malt of fitting ordinariness. Wikipedia says Glen Moray "offerings have performed modestly at international Spirit ratings competitions". Goes well with the overall mediocrity of the occasion. I offer him a glass of the whisky, he takes a swig of it and pronounces it smooth. I offer him my hand in friendship, he takes a swig of it and pronounces it smooth. I am appalled.

Our conversations have always revolved around how much our parents struggled for us and how much we haven't repaid them for it. And it soon takes the form of a poker game. He starts off with "My father used to work in some factory". I counter easily with "My father looked at factories and wasn't even allowed inside". He parries deftly with "My parents could not afford milk, on some occasions", which makes me think for a while before I come up with "My father had to take his younger brother along with him to school, and take a loan to get his sisters married, which drowned him in debt for the best years of his youth". But I know he's been waiting for something like this, the swine. He unleashes his trump card, "My father even had to do physical labour". I am stumped, bowled, leg-before-wicket, but I can't let him see it. I mustn't have a tell. So, after looking here and there for inspiration, I submit for the court's inspection "My mother was shot in the leg in the '71 war and she hobbled along on her wounded leg and jumped into a tank and secured vast swathes of Bangladesh for us and then grew a whole new leg in place of the old one. Jai Hind!" and open the window and fly away. There's no point in sticking around after you've won.

We speak to Harish and Arvind, a friends' "Hangout". Arvind is looking delighted like a man who's just had someone sit on his face. Harish is looking delighted like he is that someone. Both inform us that things are normal and LokPal is evil. We are slightly inebriated by this point and promise to vote for Ambedkar in the next elections. I remember relentlessly questioning Arvind about the face-sitting, based on some picture.

This was a couple of weeks ago. I made for Utrecht again last week, this time for free booze and food being proffered by the great Nagaraj (Sandeep's friend, colleague and part-time lover). In my attempts to help them in the cooking by chopping onions, I was set upon by an inhabitant of Andhra Pradesh and his Fu Manchu beard. I am not the best chopper of onions in the world, so he commented kindly on my plight, "'Shall I chop? This fellow is STRUGGLING so much. Businayana Bagepalli Communistu yegenistu Rayalaseema!" That was the gist of it, anyway. I immediately judged him to be one of those guys who prides themselves on being good at something, despite being good at it. Like those idiots with good cameras who put up those infernal pictures of bees, bathrooms, begonias and balls ("High exposure", "f12", "800 metres away"). Fine, I bow to your expertise, stop being anal about it (and then I'll stop being anal about you).

Anyway, Onion Boy was not done yet. He discarded my weapon of choice (a small knife) and picked up a machete. His hand was the size of my thigh and he chopped down powerfully on the hapless onion, mincing it ruthlessly. I felt ruth for the vegetable and it, heeding my feelings, made him cry as he was cutting it. But he wasn't satisfied with just doing the job well, he needed to expound on the best techniques for performing the miracle we had witnessed. For every epic palaver, there needs to be someone who will fan the flames of the palaverer(?)'s ego. Sandeep jumped at the opportunity to do this and asked AbbayiRayudu "How might one best cut onions, O Divine Cook? I saw you 'air-cutting' onions as you said 'cutting onions' and knew right away you were gifted in the art of cookery. Teach us!" And AbbayiRayudu spoke at length for over two hours, as my rotting corpse slowly turned to dust. "Chop the onions lengthwise. Hold the onions with your nails facing the blade. Your onion-holding hand must be perpendicular to the knife, essentially. Then, start cutting and moving the holding hand backwards. Even if your knife is faster than your holding hand, the blade will slide-- haan? -- slide off your nails and you will not hurt yourself. Super, no? I have been cooking since I was 18. In Andhra Pradesh, we play cards for money and you can make tens of lakhs in one night. I visited Y S Rajashekhara Reddy."

OK, those were the things he said over several hours, not in one concise paragraph. Fuck him, I hope he gets amnesia and forgets what onions are. Nice guy otherwise, though.

Cricket, then. Despite being Indians abroad for several years, the bunch of people that Sandeep knows in Utrecht are not complete assholes. They do have an inflated opinion of their own cricketing abilities, however. This is evidenced by the attention paid to (what else?) 'technique' and 'strategy' in a tennis-ball game played in a small park surrounded by slush and trees. Field placement, "That off-cutter you bowled last week was amazing, man!", all these were on show. However, neither that, nor the rain that came down eventually, can conceal the fact that a good time was had by all.

So, in summary, it doesn't matter how you chop the onions as long as you chop them correctly for the occasion. And Andhra Pradesh should stop sending its most epic bladers to annoy me.

65 comments:

Su said...

Bladers?!

Bharathi said...

Abba, just when I had given up on you..your writing abilities alive and kicking, good, son!

Arvind said...

Ha ha! Very cool.

"I felt ruth for the vegetable". I see what you did there.

Arvind said...

Also, I'm looking for an opportunity to use "plussed". Everyone is nonplussed, I want to be plussed.

penguin said...

Nice one after a long gap. It's not only the cricketers who have inflated opinions of their own cricketing abilities here but also some of the 'celebrities' of Kannada Sangha who can have you in splits...:-) Have you ever tried attending any one of their events ?

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2)Демонстративные.

3)Идиоты.

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Первую группу разбирать по косточкам бессмысленно.. И так все ясно. Их удел – временное одиночество, с возможным последующим выздоровлением. Это уж как повезет.. Некоторые представители этого подвида с маниакальным постоянством находят среди массы вполне нормальных девушек отъявленных стерв... Нередко они просто относятся к классу страдальцев, любимое занятие которых - искать сочувствия у всех встречных и поперечных, жалуясь на свою несчастную судьбу. Возможна встреча с женщиной «спасателем» Итог : посчитав, что дело сделано , она покидает «спасенного» ради следующего страдальца))

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Второй тип не в пример интереснее. Это интриганы и хорошие психологи. Интеллект обычно существенно выше среднего. Они с легкостью манипулируют действиями и поступками людей. В прошлом именно они стояли за всеми закулисными интригами и дворцовыми переворотами. Фразу –« все бабы дуры» используют в виде наживки. Вариант беспроигрышный... Подобное заявление с неизменным успехом привлекает к себе внимание какой-нибудь наивной девушки, непременно пытающейся доказать, что сие есть неправда... ну по крайней мере в отношении нее, умной и замечательной во всех отношениях)) Дальнейшее развитее событий зависит от степени заинтересованности ловца. В случае, если девушка подходящая, следует фраза типа: ты не похожа на других..; пожалуй, даже обладаешь долей здравомыслия..;. с тобой легко и приятно общаться. Все. Капкан захлопнулся.))) Здесь только надо проявить осторожность, и не вступать в контакт с интриганкой. Иначе ловец и дичь могут поменяться местами.)

Да...Милые, добрые мальчики.. Если кто-то сейчас решил взять сей метод на вооружение: не советую. С этим надо родиться.)) Если вы не обладаете всеми вышеизложенными качествами, вас с легкой руки зачислят в третью группу... ну в лучшем случае в первую. Зачем? Нормальная девушка никогда не свяжется с третьим типом, получит отпор у первого, обожжется на втором, и, в конце концов, поймет, что вы для нее довольно подходящая кандидатура.

Плавно переходим к третьему типу. Итак идиоты. Эти, кроме жалостливо-презрительной ухмылки, лично у меня ничего не вызывают. Недоразвитые «личности» с чувством жизненного дискомфорта, вызванного неприятием другими людьми. Ничего не сделав и не добившись , находят для себя единственный способ возвыситься в собственных глазах, потешить свое эго. Ведь достаточно сказать, что все бабы дуры, и чудесным способом оказаться умнее большей половины человечества.. А если учитывать умственно отсталых, наркоманов, алкоголиков и прочих деградировавших особей, то итог еще приятнее. Согласитесь, не слабо... Оказаться среди 30% передового человечества. Среди девушек есть полный аналог данного типа. В силу патриархального устройства нашего общества, они легко соглашаются с умственным превосходством мужчин, считая себя всего лишь умнее всех остальных женщин.

Браки между идиотками и идиотами – единственно возможный способ размножения данного вида. Крайние проявления идиотизма – нацизм.
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