Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Index man goes on shooting spree

In a shocking incident, a man who writes the index pages for all the books at a popular publishing house went on a shooting spree yesterday after a mistake of his was pointed out to him by a reader writing in. Maharajapuram Basu D., employed at Picanydor Publishing for nearly seventeen years, went on the rampage after a letter from an alert reader pointed out that he had not included simple words like 'is' and 'and' while putting things like 'isDigit' into a book about the 'C' programming language.

"Do you know how boring it is to write down the bloody index???" roared Basu D., from behind his padlocked cell. "I have to go through every bloody page and document every word that's more than two letters long. And this dude writes in that I've left out 'out' and 'and' but not 'NOT.' I can't leave out 'NOT' because the chapter was about logical NOT!!" The emotional tirade moved reporters and designers of logic gates but failed to reduce his prison sentence.

Basu D was suspected to have been suffering from depression ever since he celebrated fifteen years as an indexer. His mental state was further exacerbated when he was forced to re-index popular author Chetan Bhagat's books. He took eighteen days off, saying there was no need since there were no big words in any of the books. However, his publishers insisted that he work on the latest one, which was about people of different states marrying and had words like 'Andal,' 'Sylvester' and 'Syzygy,' and Basu D flipped out, to make the following joke:

What do you call a drummer with great magnitude of sound but no direction?
Scalars Ulrich.

The stonethrowing which followed alienated Basu further and bottled up his seething anger. He is said to have begun writing cyclic indices/indexes (On Index page 3: "isthmus, 33." On page 33, "isthmus, Index page 3"), random indexes ("vagabond, 684" in a 122-page book), contextually unhelpful hints ("zeitgeist, Dictionary") and outright lies ("halitosis, Pratibha Patil") in subsequent publications. Quietly seeking to express his anger, he would also write indexes in varying base systems, sometimes also combining number systems and base systems. For the unnecessarily popular Twilight series, he wrote an index system in Base 8 in Roman numerals, greatly confusing the series' already dimwitted following and angering hundreds of kids who erroneously thought it cool to be 'Goth' and soulfully depressed.

When alert reader and habitual writer of Letters-to-the-Editor in all major newspapers M Sharada Prasad wrote in with his comment about 'is' in the popular 'Let us once again C' series, Basu D reportedly made for the nearest gun (first looking up 'gun' in the index of the company's inventory sheets) and started shooting. However, since the gun he had picked up was a dart gun, after failing to observe that under 'gun' were listed varieties 'dart,' 'machine,' 'Uzi submachine' and 'water,' four people were inflicted with skin rashes and nine others were mildly annoyed by the rampage. Basu was soon overpowered and handed over to police, who are said to be trying to extract a confession out of him in regards to the yet unsolved Aarushi Talwar murder case, which they are now hoping to pin on somebody or the other.


Harish said...

Yaako computer science jokes maaDkotideera. Nimma Odina prabhaava ansatte. maaDi, maaDi.

Anonymous said...

Nice post.

Are you already married? I'll be really disappointed.

Arjun Sharma said...

[Anonymous] Sexy!

[Harish] Illappa. Ashtonden odtilla. Avattond dina index noDbiTTe, ond book-du. Takshna 'Ondu mediocre post bareebekalla' anstu. Igo.

[Anonymous] Heh, you're welcome.

[RandomChineseCharacters] Why, thank you.

[Interesting Anonymous] Not yet. I'm engaged, though. Sorry!

But my fiancee isn't averse to marrying you. So, if you're interested...

Anonymous said...

Why sorry? You're not one of those who are committed yet looking? :))

Is it possible to give me your mail ID or phone number?

Anonymous said...

Hey Arjun, care to reply?

Anonymous said...

I will send you an e-mail. Nothing else. :P So give me your mail ID.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Arjun, Morning. I thought you would like to hear from your fans. But now you are avoiding them. Very bad. :((

pooja said...

Arjun, maybe you should delete some of those anonymous post. Doesn't belong here. :)

Anonymous said...

Hey, Arjun, care to reply to my message?
I was asking for your e-mail id to mail you only. You ignore my mail if you want. :))
And I'm not interested in your fiance. I'm going to be jealous of her.