Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Despatches from Newcastle - II

Dear Mother, and my dear fiancee,

Greetings once again from beyond the seas. Many events have transpired since I last wrote and it is meet that I regale you with accounts of these. Actually, I don't think you care and secretly wish that I had lost the ability to type. But wishes, horses, pigs, wings and all that.

The Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender people of Newcastle have something against fascism and they have formed a network (astonishingly called the LGBT anti-fascism network) to protest against it. Laudable sentiments indeed and they had a specific bone to pick with the BBC - allowing Nick Griffin on Question Time. Yes, people were exercising their freedom of speech to stop others from exercising theirs. Funny thing was, I saw the same guy leading this protest one week and leading another protest on behalf of the postal workers the next. He seems to be Generic Protest Guy around here and wears tight black trousers and vests. He carries no whip.

I made a trip to London last month and was given rooms by the kind Mr. Shreyas. The most interesting part of the visit was the Sherlock Holmes museum on, surprise, 221B, Baker Street. They have recreated the rooms exactly as per Conan Doyle's books and it's quite a labour of love. Then, we decided to visit the Brigade Road of London, Leicester square, when, horror of horrors, my phone went missing. It apparently escaped my pocket like pus escaping a wound and fell into the gap between seats on a public bus, and I got off oblivious. Several frantic calls to my phone later, the good driver answered and said yes, he would bring it around to the same stop if we would wait there. Actually, he had a heavy accent and I'm sort of making up most of what he said, but that seemed to be the gist (he might well have been singing something by Penaz Masani). But he did, he did bring my phone safely back to me. In London, where people are lost, a phone is found.

It was on the way back that I saw the other end of the human spectrum, that I beheld the bared-toothed-evil face of humanity. A crying infant. I was on an overnight bus back to Newcastle. I should have noticed the portentous omens when I encountered not one, not two but three fully grown Gulti men, and we had the secret conversation that would let a stranger into the fold:- "Vachchara? Poyara? Guevara." But my defenses were down after a pleasant trip and I sought to sleep instead of being on constant guard. That is when this creature began bawling. And it was no ordinary cry but one so bloodcurdling that it would curdle blood: "AWAAWAAWAAWAAWA!!!"

I reasoned with the child.

'Spawn of Satan, shut up.'

'AWAAWAAWAAWAAWA!!!'

Sensing defeat, I oxymoronically issued a stern plea to its mother.

'Bride of Beelzebub, I beseech you, besmother this blasted baby by means of thine breast.'

The damned woman could care no less, it seemed. All around, people were writhing in their seats due to this miserable wailing wastrel but it and its apathetic progenitor ignored it all and went about their business. I gave up trying to sleep and stared at the road intensely with bloodshot eyes.

Some projects have been completed now while others remain to be done next semester. As a child, I had expected, at the age of nearly-25, to be ruling my galactic empire and, by the click of a button on the armrest of my chair/throne, obtaining Icecream-On-Demand. Instead, I will still be shamelessly writing exams next month. So it goes.

No other exciting news from here, unless you count my ignominious slippage and fall on snow yesterday (no matter how many times you see it, it still is funny).

I hope you're taking of yourselves, despite my stern eye not hovering over you.

Yours,
Arjun

11 comments:

New to Blogging said...

ha! a post at last:)take care to see that you don't become the progenitor of a wailing wastrel like the one you just chastised:)

Sandeep Cavale said...

Lucky you didn't lose your phone on our BMTC buses. Then you'd have to find the bus first - driver/conductor not being of much help here (atleast not really since buses started getting stolen on regular basis)

Good luck for shamelessly writing exams though..

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

swaroop said...

I secretly read this blog item that you posted for your mother and your dear fiancee only. Somehow, I couldn't resist.

I disagree with anonymous. Your older articles are as good as newer ones.

Anonymous said...

V luv u! u r gr8.

Deeksha

karthikd said...

Olle luv-vu. Nangintha anthu jaasthi irakke saadhya illa.

pooja said...

*cough cough*

Hema said...

nice post, arjun :)good u got u'r phone back safely....

Malaveeka said...

The alliteration is rather amazing. How do you come up with that?

Arjun Sharma said...

[New to Blogging] Heh, no, I will not beget something as horrible as that baby.

[Sandeep Cavale] Finished the shameful exercise today, man. Relief. How's iSuite doing? Anybody miss me?

[Anonymous] Thank you, stranger! Yes, I just read some of my older stuff and the new stuff kind of sucks.

[Swaroop] Heh, olle open secrets-u. Odkoppa.

Neenu kaNo, friend-u andre. Eshtu support maaDtiya noDu, in times tough and easy.

[Deeksha] I love you, you are gr8 too!!!

Arjun Sharma said...

[karthikd] Hoonappa, you are the greatest. Not just at this but also at random hair growth.

[Pooja] Yaakri cough-u? Naanenu maadilla.

[Anonymous] Er, ok. What won't you acquiesce in on, exactly? You make it sound like we're planning a morally incorrect heist.

[Hema] :) thanks. Yeah, would've been sad to lose this one. I've already lost one phone in the distant past.

[namie] Yes, I will have one child only.

[Anonymous] Oh.

[Malaveeka] You had to be there, with that wailing bastard. With great anger comes great alliteration.