Friday, December 12, 2008

Youth wins cowardice award

J B W S N G HS Venkateswarlu, a resident of Cuddapah district of Andhra Pradesh, has won the prestigious National Cowardice Award for this year for his act of getting the hell out of the way of a speeding truck as it bore down upon him and gallantly letting an infant take the blow. Venkateswarlu ("Venky" to people in the colony, "Abbaayi!" to his grandmother and "Orey!!" to his parents)achieved this memorable feat while walking his three year-old niece, Baby Chitti, on the 14th of June. The 26-year old, preceded by his commanding set of initials (which stand for "Jai Bharath Water Supply Natesulu Ganesulu HanSolu) and closely followed by his sister's daughter, was traipsing happily along the street opposite his house when, all of sudden, a behemoth of a truck swerved around the corner and made its way furiously towards him.

"I was frozen by fear," admits Venkateswarlu. "I didn't know what to do. The sight of that mechanical monstrosity tearing down the highway towards me made my legs incapable of moving."

As images of the truck flattening him and preparing what he now sardonically calls 'Venkateswarlu pesarattu' for rats and crows flashed across his eyes, Venkateswarlu recognised he had a choice to make. "I remembered this child I had with me. This innocent baby with a dimple in her cheek, fear in her eyes and hope in her voice," he recalls. "I knew it had to be either her or me. Only one of us would make it out of this. It was a grim decision for me to make, but I had to make it."

"Like Sophie's choice," he added, stopping everyone in their tracks for a moment with his awareness of that movie. At that crucial moment, footage shot by random passerby Harish reveals, Baby Chitti (Chitra, according to her birth certificate) began wailing at the top of her voice. The kind of fearful, bestial cry that only babies and a particularly belligerent Anu Malik can emit, and can drive anyone insane within a couple of seconds. The cry that starts off abruptly and quickly makes its way across several octaves and reaches a shrill crescendo. It was this that drove Venkateswarlu to his fateful, and award-winning, decision.

"I left the stupid child there and dove out of the way" admits he, candidly and a bit too remorselessly. He escaped with minor scratches sustained as a result of his clumsy dive into a clump of grass on the side of the road, but the child, struck down by the bumper of the truck, sustained grievous injuries and is currently recuperating at a low-speciality hospital in Secunderabad.

The award has generated great cheer in the Venkateswarlu family. His father, a former recipient himself for courageously fleeing the scene when a small dog growled menacingly and made its way towards him and young Venkateswarlu, could not speak, so choked with happiness was he. The Andhra Pradesh government has announced a monetary award of twenty-five lakh rupees and one rice mill for Venkateswarlu, in recognition of the achievement of one of the state's sons. Noted film actor Mohan Babu, pausing for breath between court cases involving groping allegations flung at him by young actresses, said this had made every son of Telugu immensely happy. He also added "Ariste karusta, kariste arusta!!" ("If you shout, I shall bite. If you bite, I shall shout") at this juncture.

15 comments:

Joe said...

I'm not reading this. Golti humour does not tickle me funny boners.

Malaveeka said...

Sharp.

Two thumbs up.

Harish said...

Yaako ashtu haasya illa ivne. Hege noDu, direct, telling comments maaDtini? Discerning reader naanu. To quote your famous line in 'Vichitramanjari', I 'avoid getting lured into dramatic cul-de-sac' (although it makes little sense here).

a million different people said...

I want the IP (Indolence and Procrastination) Award. Give.

Sandeep said...

I like this. HanSolu especially.

This is funny boy. Keep it up.

Nisha said...

Super stuff

"Like Sophie's choice," he added, stopping everyone in their tracks for a moment with his awareness of that movie.

Good Stuff !

M said...

Sakkkkat imagination.....and gulti!! :D:D

Arjun said...

[Joe] Gults deserve to be made fun of, my friend. Anybody who says 'randi' and 'pumpistanu' on a regular basis does.

[Malaveeka] Thank you, Madam Masand. I am honoured.

[Harish] Yes, that line doesn't really make much sense here. Stands out like a sore thumb.

Neen bidappa, black hole-nalle light discern maadonu. Idella en maha ninge?

[a million different people] I'll give it to you tomorrow. Or sometime later. Whenever.

[Sandeep] Thanks, dad. I'll try my best next time.

Very weak Star Wars references-u, houdu.

[Nisha] Oho, long time, no see. Heh, yeah, this particular Venkateswarlu spouting wise gems about "Sophie's choice" is quite compelling.

Got your message about the hatred. What's so bad about the place?

[M] You sound like you're accusing me of a crime. I'm only a quarter Gulti anyway. The best parts of me are Kannadiga.

being purple... said...

Seriously, I dont know if I prefer your posts or the post-post bits. "The best parts of me are Kannadiga." Really? Damn curious about which parts these are! Kindly to be elaborating for audience.s

Thanatos said...

Do we have any comments from the girl's parents?

Arjun Sharma said...

[being purple] The post-post bits bring in divergent opinions. That's probably why you like them more, instead of just listening to my prattling.

Oh, the best parts. You know, double O and 7.

[Thanatos] She's an orphan. Parents got killed in Telangana by the evil Vennello Aadapilla Reddy in an incident very reminiscent of 'The quick and the dead.' Poor kid.

Andhra Pradesh is a tragic state.

snippetsnscribbles said...

ayyo - that M was me (SnippetsnScribbles) ivre :P

and I like gulti stuff :D :D adakke haage heLde :)))

being purple... said...

The double O and 7. Ah. The Great Diversion has spoken. Is it the precursor of the Indian Rope Trick?

Malaveeka said...

Lol. The Indian Rope trick is funny.

Sneha Divakar said...

whose best parts are kannadiga?