Saturday, November 15, 2008

D and NH demands continenthood

Stung by persistent neglect and mismanagement of its affairs by a belligerent Central government, diminutive union territory Dadra and Nagar Haveli has demanded separate continent status for itself, proclaiming its secessionist intentions clearly. Speaking to Indian reporters at a hastily organised, and poorly attended, press conference in Bhopal, Ram Manohar of the Dadra and Nagar Haveli Unnata Pradhikar(DNHUP) today said he and his people have had enough.

"We have had enough!" thundered Manohar. When pressed for further details, he said "The government has ignored us for far too long. Other neglected territories have demanded statehood. We decided to go one step further." When a reporter pointed out that this was actually two steps further viz., Statehood to Nationhood, Nationhood to Continenthood, Mr. Manohar shot him dead, but continued. "We now demand this recognition from the other seven continents of the world. Also, we would like to inform them that we will begin drifting at a rate of 15 cms per year from tomorrow."

Asked what infrastructure projects this new continent would take up, Mr. Manohar was not clear on the details, but deftly drew a few vague, broad outlines. "Mountain ranges will be our top priority. Every continent must have one. We will have three. Also, we will begin demarcating the countries that will form our new tiny little continent. I want to have atleast forty countries here. With huge waterfalls."

Officials were baffled by Nagar Haveli's unexpected secession and transformation into a new, unauthorised geographical feature. "We mildly disapprove of the union territory's demand to form their own continent," beseeched Home Minister Shivraj Patil. "We ourselves are only a sub-continent still. Where do they think they're going?"

"We will not go soft on terror," he added needlessly, bowing to what has become second nature to him:- unconvincing, pointless rhetoric. But fears that the mighty Indian Army might be sent in to quell this continental uprising if things get out of hand have started doing the rounds in this part of the world. Already, major Tamil Nadu and Bihar ministers are preparing their post-dated resignations, just in case Tamils/North Indians happen to be caught in any conflict here. The hurriedly thrown open Dadra Stock Exchange crashed eight hundred points today, taking it to a historic, and first ever, low of negative fourteen hundred points(scrips rallied later in the day, however, to surge up to a gallant negative four eighty-six - almost as much as the opening day).

"Hurray! This means we will no longer have to study about that stupid place in 6th standard geography! What joy!" exclaimed noted wicketkeeper Vijay Dahiya, in a completely unnecessary press conference.
"Hurray! This means we will no longer have to teach about that stupid place in 6th standard geography! What joy!" exclaimed noted geography teacher Mrs. Radha Eshwar, from the comfort of her home.
"Hurray! This means I will no longer have to cover stupid stories like this! And why the hell are 6th standard kids studying geography anyway? They're idiots, the whole bunch of them. Anyway, that's that. What joy!" exclaimed known anti-social Rohini Ranatunga.

At press time, the demand for continenthood had been rejected, but a brand new marriage hall was being constructed in Silvassa.


Joe said...

can we institutionalize you? for your own sake?

Perakath said...

I don't even know where that place is on a map.

a million different people said...

I don't have anything clever/funny to say. You might find that surprising, but all of us have our preoccupations to deal with. Such is the order of the differential equation called life.

Joe and you bumchums now? What?

Perakath said...

Schizo, even saying that you don't have anything clever/funny to say is more clever/funny than saying something stupid or *gasp* boring (which I've never seen you do).

Arjun said...

[joe] Touched as I am by your concern for my mental health, I swore never to go back to that hellhole and I'm sticking to my word.

[perakath] Neither do I. Somewhere in Gujarat, is all I know.

[a million different people] What-what-WHAT?? Nothing clever to say? I do find that surprising. "Differential equation called life?" Third semester mathematics getting to you?

Yes, we're bumchums now. We share the same bum.

There's a disturbing image.

[perakath] I don't know her that well to comment on this issue. But yeah, generalising generously from her blog, there hasn't been boring stuff forthcoming from her at all. And she even put up that S&M joke.

You aren't boring either.

Aww, group hug.

CHEEKU said...

As always. Amazing! Dude. You inspire ordinary mortals like me.
Check this out: My language might not match up to yours. But well...

CHEEKU said...

p.s: u havent written about obama

a million different people said...

Perakath, thank you, thank you. Next time you visit me, a pitcher, on me. A pitcher, for chrissakes, a pitcher!

Arjun, aye, no I say. You don't know about this differential equation thing. It's like that Himesh Reshammiya - everywhere and annoying.

I hope you have your share right, because if you don't, you can always call on Perakath for some legal advice.

Aye, what is this? Okay okay, a pint for you then, because you are in Bangalore, and the chances of you claiming a pitcher is huge.

I'm talking beer here. Nothing else.

Perakath said...

Except more beer.

That group hug was so awesome... *sniff*

Arjun said...

[cheeku] Will check those links forthwith, my friend. Power cut in these parts till now. And yes, I haven't written about Obama. Everyone has, so it'll just be reiterating somebody else's joke or observation. If I come up with something new, avaga bareetini.


[a million different people] My share of the bum? Yes yes, I'm clinging to it tightly.

How come Perakath gets a pitcher while I get a pint? Unfairness, I say. By the way, I'm free weekday evenings. Anytime after 6:30. Just let me know where and I'll come after that pint. I work on MG Road too, so I kind of live around alcohol.

Yes, beer, nothing else. Got that. What else could I possibly have misconstrued from your comment?

[perakath] Happy to help, my friend. I'm not like that guy in Australia who used to hug people randomly because he wanted to spread joy. I'm less creepy.

[a million different people] You haven't said anything about the hug. The two of us feel quite left out here. Not to mention a little weird, since it's apparently just two guys enjoying a hug.

Joe said...

the word bum-chum sounds a bit of a joke to me. espically given how the two mean completely different things.

Malaveeka said...

These again?

Do the old funny ones monkey. These are just so white collar.

It's funny but the chilled out ones would also be nice.

a million different people said...

Anytime after 6:30. Just let me know where and I'll come after that pint. I work on MG Road too, so I kind of live around alcohol.

Imagine if I'd offered you a pitcher. e^lawl.

Hug two guys with the third one sharing a bum? Hmm. I'd have to think about it. Aw hell.

Arjun Sharma said...

[joe] Our thirty-five years of friendship is a joke to you? That's it, no more porn for you.

[malaveeka] White collar? He he, and you'd know about the blue collar ones, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I should do more non-fake news ones. Problem is, nothing truly worth writing about has been going on in my life (except for the play, which I will write about very shortly).

[a million different people] If you'd offered me a pitcher, I'd have signed over a kidney to you. The left one. I'm kind of partial to my right kidney.

You're still promoting the e^lawl, aren't you? Has it caught on like wildfire yet?

Yeah, what's to think about? Join in.

Once more, group hug, you bastards.

Joe said...

NO, anything but that. You were better off withdrawing the food instead of changing your mind and withdrawing the porn you heartless bottle cap.

Fine, if you want to play gutter ball, ill withdraw the adoption papers on your behalf then.

And all i wanted was a big happy family. see what you've made me do.

No bum for you, either.

Malaveeka said...

I'm no snob. I do know blue collar jokes.

But seriously, target something else.

a million different people said...

Aw. *wipes single tear* Joe, my sympathies. Arjun, my sympathy. You get only one. Sympathy, I meant. You do look great together, if you're looking for that kind of validation. If you do bring the right kind of holy matrimony into picture, I might give both of you Lef, who was Marilyn Monroe's lucky charm. Very sleek.

e^lawl? No. :( I'm trying. The bitches aren't appreciating the genius involved. :(

Why the redundancy? I thought bottle caps were heartless.

Joe said...

Oh yay, i got the plural. Way to go. MDP, you just climbed my ladder of goodwill in a grammatical frenzy.

Redundancy because i like to belabor the obvious. If you've got it, exagerrate it - my new motto. Or maybe pre existing, but now openly known. See, im doing it again.

Oh the joy. Im plural'led (if there's such a word) into submission.

Arjun Sharma said...

[joe] He he, no bum for me? Fine, be that way.

[malaveeka] OK.

[a million different people] Why I get only one sympathy? You heartless.

And after I make the effort to spell out 'a million different people' every single time too.

[joe] Got the plural? You lucky sod!

'Pre-existing' doesn't necessarily mean 'openly known.' Even I'm pre-existing. But I'm not openly known. Widely, that is.

And saying 'pre-existing' is belabouring the obvious. 'Existing' necessarily means 'pre-.'

Thank you. *bow*

Joe said...

Dude, i said i was belaboring the obvious. And here you are, belaboring what is obviously already obvious.

No wonder we used to be bumchums.

Now though, given your bad behaviour, you are duly dispatched to the corner with the dunce cap labelled "once a bumchum, now an ass blister".

Make me happy again and ill consider restoring privelages.

Joe said...

Again, wheee, i got the plural. You are a singularity in a world of plurals. An aberration in a world of function. A cow in a hyena farm.

Luck, ain't gonna be your lady for a long time, at this rate.

(MPD, when you read this, don't give in to the urge to kill my moment. Dont! Fight the fires of communal hatred i say!)

Arjun said...

[joe] Ass blister. I don't know whether to feel puzzled or ashamed.

Bravely carrying on both, the slightly uncomfortable air of homoeroticism that's pervading here and a niceness to visitors, what can I do to make you and the plural lady happy?

[joe the dumber] He he, cow in a hyena farm.

[a million different people] Kill! Kill! Kill!

"Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood!"

I shouldn't have watched that movie.

Joe said...

Moving from homoeroticism to kinky territory, a photo op involving you posing in a frilly skirt replete with bow ties and fishnet stockings will do nicely, perhaps?

Arjun Sharma said...

How about me wearing a necklace?

Just a necklace?

Joe said...

easier to strangle you with once i see you in just the necklace i suppose. yeah, good plan.

Arjun Sharma said...

Clearly, you've never seen Titanic.

You lucky fool.

Joe said...

Puhleeze, you're no Kate Winslet.

I like ShakiLa better. :D

Arjun Sharma said...

That fat tease?

I meant Shakila.

I *could* be Kate Winslet.

Speaking of which, Wikipedia's down.

Joe said...

The same one. Alternatively, Charlize Theron.

You couldn't be Kate Winslet. She famously said in an interview that backdoor frolicking was the best ever.

I'd be very disturbed if you still insisted you could be her.

Arjun Sharma said...

I like her even more now. Her candour, my candle. A perfect match.

So many bad puns there.

Joe said...

Lol. waxing eloquent are we?

Arjun Sharma said...

[joe] Your eyes lit up at the pun, did they? Wick-ed.

Joe said...

lol..a flaming melt-down if ever there was one.

Arjun Sharma said...

Ooh, crayons.

That's not a pun. That's just something with wax in it.

If my candle disappeared in her brassiere, you know what it'd be called? Candelabracadabra.

Joe said...

it wouldn't disappear. she's not that big.

even if it did (assuming you went at her with a smaller candle), it would be called wishful thinking, nothing else.

Arjun Sharma said...

She looked sumptuous in Titanic. Maybe it was the corset.

Or maybe the camera adds ten pounds.

Joe said...

how many cameras were on her then??

she did look sumptuous. so does a stuffed turkey at a christmas dinner.

Arjun Sharma said...

Watch the analogies, man. That's my candlestand you're talking about.

Joe said...

Scruffy stuff, this flamethrowing business.

a million different people said...

*looks at the louve flooding and decides not to interrupt*

*decides to interrupt*

Is this like some post coital dialogue? Because we don't want that kind.

Arjun Sharma said...

[joe] Indeed. But look who's here.

[a million different people] Ah, hello. You only pre- and during-coital dialogue?

Chee, naati.

Joe said...

Foreplay, actually. We just smoke and cuddle post.

You don't want that kind either?

In view of the plurality bestowed on me, ill take the high road, if you insist.

a million different people said...

I'm Amish, sometimes. We are generally no dialogue.

a million different people said...

I'm glad you play, the both of you. Isn't the closet dark though?

Perakath said...

Fuck, now I'm going to spend the whole day thinking about (Kate Winslet and) backdoor frolicking.

Could do worse.

Arjun said...

[joe] Coward. Taking the high road.

[a million different people] No, we have floodlights installed inside the closet. And a flatscreen TV. You can come in too. Let's all watch 'Die Hard.'

You're up at 4:17 AM. Studying, much?

[perakath] Yeah. You could think about Schwarzenegger frolicking backdoors. There's a name which can never go well together with 'frolicking.'

Joe said...

MDP, arjun forgot to add the camera we have in the closet. wanna subscribe? $33 a week. ill throw in arjun's monologues free of charge, since im now the plural.

Pera, a whole lot worse. try rabri devi with a dildo in one hand and laloo in the other.

Arjun, im the guardian of morals y'know? Not to mention, a gentleman. This is why we hooked up remember? That fateful day when you were wanking off in the Cauvery river yelling "take that, tamilnadu" and i was washing clothes while riding the water buffalo.

Opposites attracted.

Arjun Sharma said...

He he, 'take that, Tamil Nadu,' eh?

What kind of a metaphor is 'riding the water buffalo' anyway?

Joe said...

keeping with the spirit. riding a cow would have shown you in a poor light what with the whole man love confessional we've got going.

Anonymous said...

This whole gay love suits you well.


being purple... said...

"Gay" love?


I should take offence at the rebuff.

Arjun Sharma said...

[Joe] Yeah, no woman likes being called a cow.

'Man love confessional' sounds like a fortnightly.

[Sandeep] Thank you.

[being purple] What rebuff? No one rebuffed you.

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