Friday, September 05, 2008

The unbearable eagerness for spitting

Have you ever had that feeling(as a healthy male standing in front of a urinal), that overwhelming need, that you had to pause in the midst of your ejection of acids and various other complex compounds from your body and spit into it?

No, right? Because it's totally unnecessary. You don't need to spit while you're taking a leak. Are your salivary glands so inextricably linked to your urinary ones(these are also referred to in various scientific journals as kidneys) that it becomes inevitable to release an expectorate from your mouth? Hint:- they are not. It's just a weird, psychological, altogether disgusting thing. Yet a lot of people do it.

I don't spit around. I retain my spittle. It helps my body in some way, I'm sure. Otherwise, I reason, my body wouldn't produce it, especially in my mouth. After brushing in the morning, you will practically never catch me emitting anything from my mouth. Now, you might make a bad joke here and say, "Ah, so you're a swallower, then." You're just an idiot, then.

But on the rare occasions that I do spit, I make sure it counts. When the ocean enters my body via my mouth, for example, I spit back furiously. I become Captain Ahab. I even put on this bad Ricardo Montalban voice and utter Melville's immortal lines:-
"From hell's heart, I stab at thee. For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee."

It looks silly, watching me rail ineffectually against the mighty ocean. But you have to remember, "The wrath of Khan" had Kirstie Alley playing Lieutenant Saavik, possibly the hottest alien around in the '80s(these days, she looks like a little planet herself. In fact, she's now supposed to be bigger than Venus and smaller than Marlon Brando. God rest his soul.). You may argue that this is because the other famous aliens from the '80s looked like this:- Alien 1 and Alien 2

This, of course, has nothing to do with anything. But yeah, spitting while peeing is disgusting. You can do other things, so why restrict yourself to spitting? Entertain your fellow man too, instead of disgusting him. Eat biscuits, whistle a jaunty tune, juggle, perform complicated surgical procedures, do your taxes, hack into the Pepsi website and order thousands of bottles of the dreaded liquid sent to the house of someone you don't like. I once took such a long leak, I watched the entire opening battle sequence of 'Saving Private Ryan' and I was still not done. I had to watch a few minutes of some Meg Ryan movie to make it stop in fright.


a million different people said...

Ohkaaay. You just got random-er than me.

Perakath said...

I do, however, often fart while taking a leak. It's very hard to stop, even though doubtless the body needs its gases too, or why would it produce them? I try to control myself in public restrooms-- or I used to, until I realised that old business-type suits too fart openly when they're peeing.

ಸುಶ್ರುತ ದೊಡ್ಡೇರಿ said...

A Motugode Item I must say! :D

Liked it very much.. Ur writing style is.. oh, soooperb!

Malaveeka said...

After two years, I still discover so many things about you.

Along with 200 of your other fans.

you must tell everyone how you pee for like 5 minutes in the middle of a phone conference while continuing to talk. UGH.

Spunky Monkey said...

Riceballs prepared on death anniversary anthe. Tumbaa dina aadmele ashT nagu banthu.

Neevu banni Americadinda. 32 boxes of books jothege.

Anonymous said...

We have talked about his before, haven't we? May be not in a post unto itself.

Thank you for your yeoman service to humanity.


El said...

pointedly ignores post.

Parisarapremi said...

ಕೆಲವರಂತೂ ಕರುಳನ್ನೇ ಉಗಿದುಬಿಡುತ್ತಾರೇನೋ ಅನ್ನಿಸುವಷ್ಟರ ಮಟ್ಟಗೆ ಕ್ಯಾಕರಿಸಿಬಿಡುತ್ತಾರೆ - ಮನಸಾರೆ!! ಎಲ್ಲೆಲ್ಲಿ ಏನೇನು ಕೆಲಸ ಮಾಡಬೇಕು ಅನ್ನೋದು ಬಹಳ ಜನಕ್ಕೆ ಗೊತ್ತಿರೋದಿಲ್ಲ ನೋಡಿ..

Hakuna Matata said...

Achieving decreasingly lower standards of excellence since 1985

My first visit to ur blog. I see what you mean. *sagely smile


ಗಂಡಭೇರುಂಡ said...

Either I am not seeing a point why people shouldn't spit if they get the spittle, or I am not seeing a point why you should urinate at all if you feel everything produced within your body is for some good purpose! :-/ which one is true?

Arjun said...

[a million different people] I don't know if that's a compliment or a put-down. I take it as the former.

[perakath] Business-type suits fart the loudest. So much hot air. Has to go out sometime.

[Sushrut Dodderi] Thank you! Thank you very much. Liked Motugode very much, sir. Kootu odbitte ond dina, nim blaag-na. Bhale, shabash etc.

[malaveeka] There are other facets of me too. You must find the patience to discover them. You will find I'm not all packaging and empty-inside.

The peeing was because there was nothing interesting going on in the conference, and you guys were exchanging sweet nothings. I expressed my opinion on the subject thus. It's not UGH-worthy, it's actually quite a pleasant diversion.

[Spunky Monkey] He he, Ambedkar thara. 32 boxes tarlilla. but one box full of books antu tande. Had to pay fine for exceeding weight limit. What a bullshit.

[Sandeep] Have we? I'm not sure. Was it while drinking? I usually sleep soundly and don't remember anything, after drinking heavily.

[el] Vie?

[parisarapremi] Houdu. Board haakbeku allalli, "Illiya uguLabaradu," "Illi tuLiyabaradu," "Illi badukabaradu" antella.

[hakuna matata] Thanks. For being deprecating with your very first comment. ;)

[Gandabherunda] If they 'get' the spittle, they should spit. Certainly. But I didn't particularly like the practice of some people of generating spit from deep within their bodies, during urination, and emitting that spittle loudly. That is to be discouraged, was the gist of the post.

You can't retain urine. It's physically impossible. Besides, I don't think anyone gets quite the same urge to spit as they do to pee, right?

Malaveeka said...

you're not empty.

you'll full of something.

Arjun Sharma said...

[malaveeka] Wit, monkey.


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