Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The diary of an unfortunate man - I

May 5th:-

They have shut the doors now and taken away the key. Which is fair enough because there are other dangerous criminals here. Just dangerous criminals, not other, not other.

I am in jail now. And have been here for a week. They have finally consented to give me pen and paper, most of which my companion in the cell ate. I have been put in here for the crime of money embezzlement. It's surprising how this happened, considering I had only invested in failsafe schemes involving healthcare products. Perhaps the name "Scamway" should have given me a clue. This nice gentleman introduced me to several others who were also doing the same thing and had done well for themselves. And how they spoke! This particular chap told us how we needed to have a separate source of income for ourselves apart from our regular jobs and how e-commerce was the way to go and how selling expensive creams and lotions online would help me. I swear, you should have been there to see how well he spoke.

Shoot, my neighbour has woken up now. He snores really loudly and steps on my food if I don't move the plate away from the floor. Also, he hits me if I don't sing a welcoming song as soon as he wakes up. I had better get cracking.

June 13th:-

Bad news. I had put in some good stuff about how to avoid financial scams yesterday over many pages; but my cellmate used that as toilet paper, so I have to do this secretly while he sleeps. He seems a nice person, though he's in here for beating a puppy on its head while simultaneously performing a complex dance routine standing on the neck of a man who was having an affair with his wife. The man survived. Yesterday, in a jocular mood, he bit my arm and, though it pained when one of his sharp molar teeth cut into a vein, the scars are healing nicely now. The stitching up had to be done without any painkillers or sterilised needles, so that was a bit unexpected. But the warden rapped me sharply on the mouth whenever I let out a cry, so I learnt how to deal with pain.

My wife was here yesterday, along with my lawyer, and both of them think I should be out within the week. Admittedly, this is unbridled optimism on their part, since entire families have collapsed on account of my supposed embezzlement and suicides have occurred and no judge is likely to look kindly upon that. But I am touched to see their hope and do fervently wish they are right. My lawyer assures me it can be proved beyond doubt I had nothing to do with the embezzlement and that it was the same man who introduced me to the healthcare product group initially that is responsible for this. Although the technical term he used for this theory was "wild conjecture," he said the proof was mere technicality and that the "impression of the truth" was more vital. He added that he was working on this impression and then proceeded to do an impression of me, much to my wife's amusement. I must say that though I thought it was a terrible impression, my wife's happiness made my heart swell with joy. She deserves to be happy after all I've been through.

August 4th:-

One of my arms appears to disappeared. As a result, I am scribbling this with my other, good arm. My cell is also empty of companions today, which depresses me in a way. For despite his stoic silences(which will be explained away by cynics as being solely due to his lacking major speech organs like the tongue, but not by me. He was reticent, is what I shall choose to say.), his occasional tendency to use my head as a footrest and his ability to bend objects and test them out on me, I had grown rather fond of him and his company.

(The evening of August, the 4th) An update is meet now. The doctor informs me that my erstwhile companion chomped off my arm yesterday morning and had to be taken away and swiftly hanged, in order to prevent the spread of some disease in the prison. Apparently, I "screamed like a girl and lay bleeding like a four-year old" on the floor instead of doing something about it and they had to stop attending to this virulent outbreak of tennis elbow that had occurred in Wing D and come all the way to Wing B, where I am housed, to sew up what was "merely a flesh wound." Additionally, I was unconscious all day yesterday, which would explain why I feel like I have lost a lot of time. Of course, inside the jail walls, time stands still and your only reference points are sundown and sunrise. But the body does not lie.

I will miss that fellow. May he rest in peace now, wherever he is. I dread joining him, certainly, but I do wish him happiness.

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