Friday, May 30, 2008

Local news -- murder roundup

Something of an in-joke, both of these. Not very funny, unfortunately. So they're just 'in-'s.

Software engineer calls the Beatles gay; gets killed

Sripati Sharma, a Bangalore-based software engineer temporarily posted in Scotland, was killed yesterday after calling The Beatles' music 'gay' and 'old.' The incident occurred when he was having a heated argument with a friend at a local Barista outlet and began badmouthing the iconic rock-and-roll group, angering his companion. The stabbing was perpetrated at the moment when he said 'If they hadn't done it, someone else would've,' leading to a penetration of his chest by a sharp knife, without much of a protest from him. The companion, identified only as 'M,' is reportedly a great fan of the greatest musical band in human history and is said to have ripped out Sripati's heart, stomped on it and thrown it away after the stabbing and danced around to the notes of 'A day in the life,' even though that is a highly un-danceable song.

The incident shocked onlookers, who were peacefully sipping expensive, tasteless beverages on a placid evening. "Poor guy," said Sarala Mukherjee, 18, "he looked so cute. Despite the crooked nose. Did he have orbital cellulitis? Does anyone know? His dress sense was impeccable, though."
"I will always remember him for having taken money away from me and never giving it back. He was a good friend." said Naveen Menezes, a noted Christian scholar who used to be at the receiving end of some of Sripati's more racist jokes. Dr. Menezes was interrupted at this point by Samsheer Ahmed, his roommate, to watch 'Ramayan.'

Friends, of which he had two, said they were profoundly disturbed by Sripati's death. Badly-dressed locally-placed engineer Akshay Sukravadhanee said this was highly unexpected of M, especially since Sripati had just gifted her a moderately-priced watch bought in London.

Baldy reads 'Raghuvamsha' to impress ex; gets killed nevertheless

Although love might make the world go round, it did nothing pleasant to bald local Sharath Kodandapani on Tuesday when he was hit over the head by a large copy of Kalidasa's 'Raghuvamsha.' Angered by his insistence upon reading the Sanskrit epic at the behest of an ex-girlfriend of his, Sharath's current girlfriend, whom no one has seen and is therefore reported to be a Yeti, or M S Swaminathan, snatched the bulky copy out of his hands and slammed him over the head with it. The head of Kodandapani, which housed a weak skull owing to his unwarranted baldness(onset at age 15), cracked quickly and Kalidasa's famous work now lies decorated with cerebrospinal fluid.

Kodandapani, a member of the hit comic group and a veteran of several comedy sketches, was beloved by his friends and co-workers, both professionally and in comedy, and has left a great legacy behind, along with a void that will be hard to fill. His comedic talents were always at the fore, whether he was playing irreverent interviewers (evidenced by his performances in this video, or this) or minor historical characters(as in this). He was a kind, giving man, said old friend and co-performer Harish K Kamaraj(an illiterate, yet capable actor himself), and would guide youngsters selflessly.

Kodandapani is survived by his camera, two pencils and an old, used condom.


nivedita said...


El said...

*recovers from side stich because of the laughing*

sure they're inside jokes and the videos don't help because no understand kannada, but love the had only two friends, and the titles and talk about snide!

Malaveeka said...

I actually like this post. It's extremely ridiculous.

He should die for calling the Beatles gay. He gay. And stupid.

Arjun Sharma said...

[nivedita] Hello. Welcome back.

[el] Yes, we're very snide people. Not brave enough to be direct, mainly.

No understand Kannada? Oh no! Remedy that. Stat.

He really has only about two friends.

[malaveeka] *sniff* So all the comments in the previous posts were just fake? *cry* *bawl* *whimper* *moan sadly*

Yeah, he's stupid. The Beatles pioneered all that is good in western music. They rescued western classical music from sinking into eclectic oblivion. They're gay? Whatever their sexual preferences, they were certainly not stupid.

He's gay.

El said...

ps - am blogrolling ya.

a million different people said... is lawllery, I say. Vairy much J is coming off. Also URA person is awesome, considering I've met (seen from afar really, but we like to see from afar and tell) the man himself. "I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to talk to you"! Ah, byoooty! Also, super hissing from Kappanna. Shit, super super super. I will stop gushing now.

I think, I just think M could be me.

Arjun Sharma said...

[El] Thanks. I'll clean up my links tonight and return the kindness.

[a million different people] Thanks for watching. Jealousy? Wow, high praise(in a weird way).

Awesome URA person is me. I don't wear the glasses in real life (check out the celebrity talk), nor the communist jubba, but behind all that is me.

No no, continue gushing, continue gushing. We like it when women do that. OK, I do. Harish a.k.a Kappanna does not talk to women. He's shy. Aww.

M could be you? It's based on a friend of mine, but sure, maybe you're like that too. The badly named Sripati Sharma is actually this dude:- Sandeep

a million different people said...

Jealousy only. You know other J words? Jinx? Jump? jaaDs odi? Ok, contest over.

We don't gush if asked to. But I digress. Will spam off YouTube comment box. Dontorry. Also, did not see NCJ product bit coming. Wah wah!

Arjun said...

[a million different people] Contest over indeed. JaaDsi odiyodella illa. Naavu peaceful-u.

You haven't even made one ocmment in our Youtube channel. Spam ante. You tease!

Oh you were also in NCJ?

Sandeep said...

Technical Archtect would've sounded better than Software Engineer, I feel.

What the hell kind of a name is Sripati?

My dad actually knew someone called Sripati. He was bald and had 2 weak looking children.

Sandeep said...


Arjun Sharma said...

[sandeep] Fits you like a glove, doesn't it, the name? Sripati Panduranga Sharma. Yeah, has a ring to it.

You would have weak-looking children too. Not to mention ugly. Mine would sparkle like the sun.

Anonymous said...; You saved my day again.