Friday, May 23, 2008

Going global

Pramod TK winced. Ever since morning, his system had been acting up, disseminating strange sensations all over his body as early as the moment he got onto the plane at Bangalore; but he had ignored it. And then, there had been that sandwich. The kindly folk at the lounge had provided a sandwich which had been carefully prepared after being killed. For, it had certainly had life and been living, though not in very hygienic areas. Additionally, it had begun emitting a rancid smell a few minutes after its death at the hands of the owner of the Cafe Coffee Day stall in the lounge. Proudly though it bore the label "Specially crafted vegetarian sandwich," Pramod regarded it with much the same delicacy as a student of anatomy regards a cadaver he is about to dissect.

It did not move, so he took it as a sign of welcome and affection. This would prove to be a grave error of judgement. No sooner did the sandwich enter his digestive system than it began to be treated badly by the inhabitants, who spat angrily at it. It was swiftly shown the door which, in this case, happened to be Well hello, Next sentence. Like a disgruntled volcano unleashes its load, Pramod cathartically released his. With a wince. All was peace.

Along with this exciting event, the US VFS lounge provided us with other facilities as well, things which have likely scarred us for quite some time to come. On a big television in the waiting room, someone had switched to Animal Planet and refused to change it. So, we were forced to watch buffaloes being poisoned and eaten by Komodo dragons and pythons chomping at the heads of goats(or deer, I'm not sure. The python was covering it.) In addition, we also got a good glimpse of the extreme innards of a python, with some idiot with a powerful lens zooming wildly into its mouth. You could see its fangs, saliva, epiglottis, Dr. Livingston, mid-off, everything.

(Note:- The visa interview was this Tuesday, the 20th. The company is sending me on a three-month training program to the US. Hence this whole deal. Everyone's up to date now? Good. We proceed. Sadly.)

It was also a day of much celebrity spotting. First off, at the Bangalore airport, were ace multilingual actor Prakash Rai(Prakash Raj, to his non-Kannada speaking fans.) and former ace left-arm off-spinner and current crack cricket commentator Laxman Sivaramakrishnan. They'd look like Laurel and Hardy if placed next to each other. I'm guessing Prakash Rai was travelling to Chennai for the funeral of the great Kannada lyricist, R.N. Jayagopal, who underwent an untimely demise on Monday, the 19th. Siva, on the other hand, was leaving from the funeral of the Bangalore Royal Challengers' IPL campaign.

In the visa consulate itself, we had NatakireeTHi Dr. Rajendra Prasad, who is now bald but still as sarcastic as ever, which is a delight for fans. Dr. Prasad, known for his roles in movies like "Aa okkati aDakku," "April 1st viDudala" and "Ladies tailor," sported two mammoth gold bracelets on his right wrist, leading to speculation that he was a politician.

While returning to Bangalore, we had Captain Something flying us back and he operated the plane like a chimp handling an industrial robot. There was turbulence over the skies of Bangalore, with rain pouring down in sheets, and he chose to fly into the clouds about ten minutes before we landed. Not that I'm an expert at aviation route decision making, but isn't flying into storms way before you really have to a little tactless? I don't know, maybe that's a commandment or something. 'Thou shalt endanger the lives of thy passengers by first plying them with sandwiches, taunting them with very fetching but emotionally distant airhostesses and then threatening to fly them into the ground.'

I got the visa(for ten years), but not before turning into something closely resembling a dissolving wax model, in the Madras heat. What is wrong with that city? Why don't people protest and leave? Madras makes everyone its bitch by mowing them down with its heat. This has got to stop. The city must be taught a lesson. When I got back to Bangalore, there had been a gentle shower. The smell of the earth was in the air and a slight chill hung, wind blowing through my hair every now and then. I love my city.

While I was in Chennai, there was enhanced security around Karunanidhi's house. There were rumours that his health was in a dire and critical situation, but the establishment was not letting this news slip because the CBSE results were around the corner. That the health of the chief minister of the state should take a backseat to the results of a high school examination shows the people's power in Tamil Nadu. Kudos, my Tamil brethren. Though you have previously subverted constitutional procedures, you have truly proved you are further ahead in the exercise of democratic power than the rest of us ever will be.

8 comments:

snippetsnscribbles said...

LOL LOL !! your posts ALWAYS make me laugh! dont ever stop writing ok!!

I dont know what to comment and on what part of the post...everything was simply hilarious!

*stops typing and goes off laughing madly*

karthikd said...

Congrats ivre.

Houdu, Sarrig roast maadi vaapas kalsatte, aa city.

Aa Siva na itkondu sarrig beesbittu alle ello hoothakbidbekittu. Yaargu gothagthane irlilla.

a million different people said...

Haha, if Pramod TK had told my super sarcastic neighbour this, neighbour would've asked "kithkonD bantaa?" with a smirk. Except this time, he'd have been bang on. The nitty-gritties of life no?

I like Animal Planet. :(

Two mammoth gold bracelets = Politician? Then one mammoth with jewellery shop? Bappi. Bappi da. (Sorry, I forgot this was not my blog.)

Worst part about Madras is that you sweat even at 5.30 in the morning. You see, we travel by train, and Chennai Mail arrives at 5.30 and from then on, I look like Ameesha Patel. Okay, not that ugly, just a little bit like her.(Now you (and I) know why her Wiki page doesn't have a photo of hers. See, this is why I rely on Wikipedia.)

paapa Karunanidhi, see how much he has to compromise?

PS: My comment is probably longer than your post itself, made only longer by the PS, but it's okay no?

snippetsnscribbles said...

I had to come back and read this post again :D :D

...and this time 'TK' got me laughing !!!!! no offence to your friend though

Tejas said...

ivre..LS was a right arm leggie not a left arm off spinner.

Arjun Sharma said...

[snippetsnscribbles] I won't stop!! Until even I start feeling I'm not even being slightly funny.

[karthikd] Neenu illi ondu racist overtones iro comment maadidiya, kanayya. I don't like this.

[a million different people] Your neighbour seems as cheap as us, no offense. I like it. Indeed, very nitty, hopefully not gritty. Ouch.

Animal Planet is fine, it's a fine channel. I just don't like these extreme zoom-in shows. With animal saliva being shown for a loooong time.

Yes, Bappi da. It's ok, you can go off in weird directions here also. We're very inclusive people here.

"You see, we travel by train"
OK, dig accepted("We don't travel by plane, tickets paid for by the company. We're not freeloaders."). Sorry.

Amisha Patel has an ample bosom. I don't know why no one recognises this. And why it doesn't have a separate page on Wikipedia.

It's almost as long as the post itself, yes. No problem. It's not as long as Well Hello, Next sentence.

I had to make that crack.

[snippetsnscribbles] Offense-aa? Avnen togoLodu? DharaLavagi "TK" anbodu. Avnge adu iddru irbodu.

It's better than "Pammi," though, isn't it?

[tejas] Thank you, good sir. I don't know why I thought he was a left-arm off spinner. Terribly sorry about that. But I shall leave the error in, as a tribute to my dreadful lack of attention to accuracy.

Anonymous said...

amisha and that beach scence in her debut movie... kaho na pyar hai na?

Arjun Sharma said...

[anonymous] Yes. Kaho naa pyar hai. Stupid movie. What beach scene? Happens when they get lost on an island. That one?