Thursday, April 17, 2008

Attempts to settle the life of the humble narrator

"I have always depended on the kindness of strangers."
-- Blanche DuBois(French for 'dumb bitch')

It has happened twice already that certain requests of a, shall we say, nuptial nature have come to my family for me. Two separate families, with two separate girls in them, have sent feelers requesting for my hand in marriage to their daughters. Now, I have not once seen their daughters, but I am sure they are very fine, fetching young women whom it would be a delight to marry. This is proved by their fine taste in men(me).

The very first of these came along last year. The girl in question was about two years younger than I. A little too young? I don't know, we will let history judge this. Dooce is ten years younger than her husband and they seem really happy. So age difference isn't a big factor in determining marital bliss; it truly seems to be just a number. That isn't the point. The point is, I read this really funny joke some time back that I must share:-

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

Continuing, this proposal for alliance came through to the able hands of my grandmother who, like all grandmothers, had my best interests at heart.

Or so I thought.

My grandmother heard of the request and shot back one swift reply:- no.

Yes, she said I was too young for marriage and stuff and so was the girl and shouldn't she be studying a little more?

GRMMMMHMMPRRRFF!!!!! Bloody progressive mentalities!!!!!! Wrecking, ruining my life!!

The second incident happened more recently. Last month, I think. Another girl, this one closer to my age(about six months younger than me, I think). Again, my grandmother is in charge of my life. She says no yet again.

It's a bad time to be young. If this had been the '40s, or even the '60s, I'd have been married to the first one who came along, gone to Ooty for the honeymoon, had two kids by now, gone to a typing institute, bought a Rajdoot, purchased large, square-framed(black, of course) spectacles and a large number of jubbas, gone on weekend 'picnics' to Lalbagh or Nandi Hills and invested in Hindustan Lever shares.

I haven't even seen any pictures of those young women. If they turn out to be smoking hot and I've refused their extended hands of friendship without even knowing it, I'm going to kill myself. I remember this line from a Crazy Mohan play, 'Ayya, amma, ammamma':-
"Oru glance paatthu taren"

That's it, that's all I want to do when it comes to these things. I just want to have a glance at the photographs. It's a small, humble desire. I'm not being granted even that. It's like, my life is a company, but my grandmother is the CEO, my parents occupy all other important positions, some of my friends are shareholders and I'm the guy who's in a team no one knows about and sits in a small room behind the door to the basement.

"Attempts to settle the life of the humble narrator. And the successful thwarting of such attempts by the author's grandmother."

[Update : I wrote this at around 12:30 AM of the 10th of April. Later that very day, two more marriage proposals, with respect to women aged 25 and 26 respectively, arrived, and were turned down by my mother. Yes, once again, without me even looking at the photographs, people other than me are spurning offers of kindness, romance and marriage.]

This following bit didn't have the necessary steam to become a full post(thankfully). So I'm putting down where it'll hurt no one:-
Gopi, a goat from Hyderabad, has recently received a haircut, thus making history as the first goat with a coiffure. Gopi also took this opportunity to grow himself a beard, leaving leading punsters and reporters gasping with breathlessness and joy at the chance to make the pun 'goatee.'


Anonymous said...

I loved that paragraph about Rajdoot and 'picnic' in Lalbagh :D :D well-pictured ;-)))

So foto nu noDilva ???? I dont like it, kantha!

Harish said...

Though, back then, people bought Hindustan Lever shares(I don't know whether this is a fact or a figment of your imagination), I don't know whether they knew things like PE ratio, market capitalization and maybe even distributed cash flow analysis. Forget about Keynesian beauty pageant theory.

being purple... said...

You went on a much-coveted "weekend break" to the foothils of the Nilgiris (yes, this is an attempt to make it sound more glamorous than it actually is!!) and *this* is what we get as a post??

Shameful, I tell you!

No feelings for others only!

Sandeep said...

If it's any consolation, I was offered a proposal too (offering a proposal is redundant, I astutely observe), and I declined.

I don't know how it's a consolation.

Buying Hindustan Lever Limited shares was funny.

Harish, nee mindri. Sayi.

Houdu post bari, kaaturadinda kaitidaare, odugaru.

Anonymous said...

Paapa neenu.

What would be really bad is when you are of "marriageable" age (ofcourse, according to your grandmother) and no proposal comes your way.

Alla, helde. Irli antha.

[Sandeep] "Odugararu", not "Odugaru".

Transplante de Cabelo said...

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Spunky Monkey said...

Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on this blog, it is about the Transplante de Cabelo, I hope you enjoy. The address is A hug.

Arjun Sharma said...

[snippetsnscribbles] 'Picnic'-ge enu double meaning illa, ri. Neevantu sikkapatte poli!

The Rajdoot is such a strong symbol of the '70s in my mind, I'm unable to think of people from those days who did not own one.

Illa, kantha! Photo-nu nodilla! Akatakata!

[Harish] Yes, they were not aware of these details. We may infer that they were not as knowledgeable as you. Also, that they did not have easy access to Wikipedia.

[being purple] The Western Ghats, actually. Place called Samse. It *was* glamorous. We had fun. Played bluff and DC. Drank a little vodka. No happenings of an alternative nature, though. Sad.

Come on, a long, boring post about that trip? I don't think so. No one has the patience to read that crap. I ramble a lot.

[Sandeep] Houdu, it is in no way a consolation.

Yaaru yavdakku kaitilla. Idralli antha interesting happenings en irlilla kanayya. Also, if I glamourise it beyond reality, you people will accuse me of not being true to the spirit of travelogue writing.

[Karthik D] Neenyaako nange kettadagli antle bayastirtiya kano, Karthik. Nange ee attitude ishta aagtilla.

Chakka, adu "odugaru"-ne, "odugararu" alla. Eneno helbidu. Erroneous errata ella issue maadbidu. Beestini.

[Transplante de Cabelo] Aww, a hug to you too.

[Spunky Monkey] He he, thu, nimmajji. Spam-nella copy-paste maadtiya.

Dude, you never really told me who your secret luvvarr was. You know, the 'baby-sweetie' one.

Sneha said...

parvagilla, neevenu bejaar madkobedi. even your turn will come for "arranged marriage, 2 kids and a dog" package

Anonymous said...

Hehe. Very nice.

This *could* be a very real solution to your virginity issues.

PS: I'm pretty sure Yezdis and Jawa's (with a 'w' and not a 'v') were possible considerations for a fulfilling family life. And the three year waiting period to get the vehicle after one'd booked it.

Arjun Sharma said...

[Sneha] Thanks, ivre. Neevu nim 'California Boy' matter-u settle aadaga heli. Naanu hudugi hudkakke shuru maadtini.

[Crapper] You bastard!! That was supposed to be a secret!! Between six people, agreed. Still a secret!!

He he, anyway, yeah, Yezdis were also quite popular. The three-year waiting period was just pure delight, for a middle-class family. Even for a simple Bajaj Chetak, or Super or whatever, this same magic, random number was applied and people would wait in tense anticipation. Not like now, when everything is on-demand. Audio, video, user-generated content, everything.

Ah, the good old days...

Anonymous said...

[Arjun] : Ayyo, Illa kanayya. I stated the worst case scenario with the intention of pointing out the fact that your situation wasn't really bad.

Ishte na artha maadkondirodu nannanna! Che!

Olle errors-u. My bad.