Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Random celebrator nabbed

One P. Madaiah from Malur has been nabbed in the popular Bose Bazaar area of the city, thus bringing to an end a case which had baffled local police for months now. Madaiah, who had terrorised residents by celebrating random festivals and occasions on unrelated dates, was caught as he attempted to set off a firecracker on the fourteenth of March, claiming it was Deepavali. Madaiah, who hails from Sondur taluk of Bellary district, was known as the Celebrator and had struck terror in the hearts of everyone around, especially children, who would suddenly be made aware of a festival, and thus a holiday from school, and go home, only to find it was not actually a holiday and be punished by their teachers with canes and rods the next day, much to their chagrin. Both the children of Malur have hailed this capture and will celebrate it by declaring a holiday from school.

"This is a landmark arrest for our department," said a proud Mr. Ayyu, Chief Assistant Commissioner of Police, occupying a post which is not even existent, let alone legal, but curiously unfluttered and unquestioned about it. "With this arrest, we have brought down the crime rate of Malur to zero." Historians have noted that this is, in fact, the first arrest in Malur and the crime rate was previously nil as well, lending credibility to Mr. Ayyu's claims.

The Celebrator Madaiah began as an apprentice under one J. Bhootalingam, known as the very Fagin of Raichur. He started small, declaring Makara Sankranti on April 13th, preparing pongal, kosambari, badusha, basundi, avalakki and other delicacies on the wrong day, to confuse people. However, when this sort of crime began costing him rather than benefiting him, he questioned his very beliefs and abandoned them. He soon grew ambitious, declaring Christmas on two consecutive days in May and Gandhi Jayanti for an entire week in August. His inventiveness knew no bounds, as he made up new festivals and declared them on the 'wrong' days too(a clever trick he thought of as a legal loophole, should he get caught. Since these festivals did not even exist, he could not be called for celebrating them on the wrong days. Legal and constitutional experts say this is one tricky problem they are going to have to spend sleepless nights over.). He declared World Summer Day on December 10th and spent it by stealing the sweaters, shawls, mufflers and monkey-caps of senior citizens and turning on the fans and, if present, airconditioners of major households.

His most heinous crime happened in June, 2003, when, in a burst of impulsive frenzy, he announced Deepavali fortnight and set off fireworks at all times of the day. Noted IInd PUC student Ashwin was visibly disturbed by this and said this led to his tremendous failure in all the subjects that year, except for Sanskrit, which he didn't attend. "I couldn't study," an ashen-faced Ashwin recalls, "Every moment was filled with the dread of the next bomb, the next rocket, the next 100-wala going off. My sister also failed in her 4th standard exams. Why couldn't the police have done something earlier? We wouldn't have had to face these days."

Madaiah's ambition, as also his lack of social awareness, led to his downfall. On the 14th of March, he randomly declared both Deepavali and the coming-of-age anniversary of Marie Antoinette, surprising everyone with his acute knowledge of world history. "Mary doDDaaki aagyaLa! Mary doDDaki aagyaLa!"("Mary has become a big lady! Mary has become a big lady!") he screamed, running through the streets at midnight. Unfortunately, the wife of the venerable mayor of Malur, Dr. Zakka Jacob, was also named Mary and the mayor did not much appreciate the celebration of the anniversary of his wife's first..anyway. Dr. Jacob, occupying another illegal and unconstitutional post, immediately ordered a manhunt and Madaiah was nabbed as he was setting off a firecracker in Bose Bazaar.

Police say Madaiah will now be hanged, to set an example to others, and March 14th will be declared World Malur Day, sources said. The Central government has announced Rs. 400 compensation for Ashwin and his sister. Method actor Aamir Khan is said to have shown keen interest in making a movie about the life of Madaiah, but has requested one decade's time to prepare for the role.


Anonymous said...

nice read :)

Harish said...

Our sources have confirmed that centre has also waived off the loans given to Ashwin and his sister.

Sandeep said...

I read at this at 4 in the morning. Loved the bit about Mary attaining the age of consent.

Arjun Sharma said...

[freak] Cool.

[Harish] "But might this not lead to a severe cash crunch?" questioned the honourable finance minister.

[Sandeep] Olle ages-u.

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

Fuckin - A. Brilliant. Tiptop.

Aamir can asks for ten years to prepare - hahahahahaha