Sunday, February 03, 2008

John Rambo -- an unbiased, painfully detailed review -- part I

There are tough guys in the world. And then there is Rambo. From age 6 through 61, John Fauntleroy Rambo has been The Man, the definitive Man. With muscles as big as the continent of Africa, survival skills that would put a tenacious cockroach to shame and a face that shows emotion only when a bullet has pierced his skin and he, in retaliation, is piercing the skin back to get the bullet out with a HUGE knife that has just been heated to BURNING HOT, Rambo is the baddest son-of-a-tough-gun-named-R.Rambo that ever set foot on this planet and made it cry. In fact, Albert Einstein was talking about Rambo when he said generations to come will scarce believe that such a one as this ever, in flesh and blood, walked the earth. Yeah, and spilled so much flesh and blood too.

Admittedly, the plot of the fourth Rambo movie is quite thin. Christian missionary workers get caught in Burma. So, Rambo goes and gets them back. That's it. This exhaustive summary compares poorly with the sprawling, epic saga that was Rambo 3(with the gallant Afghans and their honour, the kidnapping of Trautman, the cruelty of the Russians and other subplots coming into play), the gut-wrenching, brutally realistic, hard-hitting Vietnam jungle jaunt that was Rambo : First Blood II and the confined-to-a-single-town, claustrophobic, harrowing, almost Bergmanesque psychological drama that was Rambo : First Blood. But in 'John Rambo,' there is enough blood-letting, gut-spilling and ass-kicking to satisfy even the most picky of viewers and critics and put the other three movies in perspective.

Warning : spoilers ahead. If you haven't watched the movie yet, well, you're just an idiot(except you. I know you're busy).

To continue, John Rambo is minding his own business, catching snakes in Thailand, calling them 'Molly' and selling them for money. At the same time, Burmese militia are killing off thousands of their own people for no great reason(ethnic cleansings never have any reason other than power and the retaining of it) and recruiting young boys into their ranks forcibly. People are dead, diseased, homeless, poor and helpless. Into this scenario comes a bunch of pasty-faced, pansy-boy, paedophilic Christian missionary workers with no knowledge of war zones, military conflicts, ethnic problems and how not to piss off people with guns. These twits prattle on about how they're going to change the world and make a difference to the Burmese oppressed. Oh yeah, you think if it was possible to make a difference, Rambo wouldn't have done it already? Idiots.

And Rambo tells them this. He learns of their purpose and that it is his job to take them up a river and let them off near some place where help is needed. He tells them, very practically and pragmatically, that it's not possible to make a difference if they're not packing any bullets. He tells them, 'Go home.'

When Rambo says go home, you go home.

The paedophilic, donation-seeking, Christ-exploiting, grief-milking missionaries, however, don't heed the wise words of the Great Ass-Kicking One and decide to continue on their mission. In particular, their leader, Michael, looks particularly stupid and is adamant at being silly and arguing with Rambo. Rambo then gives a look as if to say 'All right, your funeral, you bastards' and takes them up the river. On the way, they encounter a boat full of ruthless rebel leaders who are as cruel as the militia they fight. The rebel leader on the boat asks Rambo to hand over this Sarah woman they have on board(who has a thing for Rambo, by the way. All women have a thing for Rambo. A small section of men also have a thing for Rambo. A large section of men, however, just wish they had a thing like Rambo's....just wish they were Rambo, I mean. Scratch the earlier bit, please.). Rambo now pulls an amazing move and shoots the rebels on the boat dead. All of them. All the gun-toting, war machines of men. And then this Michael dude is all 'That was wrong. You cannot justify the taking of a life. Not under any circumstances.' Asshole. Rambo just saved your life. Stop molesting children and be grateful, you moron. So Rambo again says go home.

When Rambo says go home twice, you really go home.

But these minorfuckers still don't get it. They insist on carrying on. Particularly that Sarah chick who, for some obscure reason, also makes an impact on Rambo with her 'Do you ever wonder how things might have changed back home?' remark. No, he doesn't, woman. He has far too many things to do, too many lives to save, far many more to take and much more shit to blow up to worry about sissy things like that. You think you want hardboiled soldiers on the border, fighting wars, to suddenly start thinking 'I wonder how things are back home....' ? No. Shut up, let Rambo be. We have enough metrosexuals around already without even Rambo turning into one. Shit, Rambo caring about feelings. Never! Blasphemy! Sacrilege! Heresy!

So anyway, the fools go and are promptly captured by the Burmese army. We could've told you so, you insults-to-intelligent-humanity. So then, some vague person comes around to Rambo again and says they're bringing in mercenaries to bring the missionaries back. Yeah, I know, mercenaries for missionaries; has a ring. Yay. Continuing, Rambo has to again guide them by boat to the spot where he left off the missionaries.

What the hell?! You're using Rambo as a fucking boatman! Do you idiots realize what you're doing here? Apparently, they don't. The leader of the mercenaries, School Boy, also calls Rambo 'Boatman' and keeps uttering crap in a British accent. Which kind of emasculated the whole Rambo franchise, in my opinion. I mean, the English can be funny, crazy, heroin addicts, blink a lot and commit random acts of violence, rape and arson. But macho? A macho English person? That's like saying a sensitive North Indian. Or a fun Assamese. So whatever, they get to the spot and Rambo drops them off and is about to follow them and School Boy again disrespects Rambo and it's his blessing that Rambo doesn't just blow his head off.

But these guys come across a Burmese militia group conducting a random, inhuman exercise where they throw landmines into a paddy field and force innocent civilians to run through it as in a race. If they step on a landmine, they blow up and die. This ghastly act is performed many times, seemingly for the amusement of the always-in-shades leader of the militia. The mercenaries are hiding, watching this helplessly because they are outnumbered by the militia and can't take them on.

Until Rambo steps in.


Anonymous said...

Erm....The "Lead" mercenary was called Lewis. Schoolboy was the sniper. If you are going to write a review, make sure you get the basics right. Like the character names.:)

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