Monday, March 10, 2008

Government announces nothing

In a landmark press conference today, the government of India has announced nothing. At a gala luncheon organised today at Vigyan Bhavan, New Delhi, and simultaneously at the Taj West End by ace philanthropist, Lakshmi Mittal, and attended by over twenty reporters, thirty other press delegates, four children, five Telugu people, eight women, thirteen communists and eighteen veena and sarod maestros, the official spokesperson of the Ministry of External Affairs, Ram Swaroop, announced nothing. Facing a veritable bevy of press people with a stony silence for well over fifteen minutes, Mr. Swaroop maintained a dignified demeanour despite occasional provocation from the Left parties. At the end of it, he invited questions from the gathering, which left many guests bemused, but many others impressed.

"This is a historic event in Indian history," announced noted cricket writer, historian, gardener and boatman, Ramachandra Guha. "Never before has a government so boldly and so openly come forth and said nothing and admitted it had nothing to say."

"I must write a book about it," he added, threateningly.

Guha also congratulated this correspondent on the clever Ramayana joke in the above lines, with the reference to Guha, the boatman who ferried Rama, Mrs. Rama and Dr. Lakshman across the Ganga. This sent this correspondent into a delirious tizzy, wherefrom he emerged only two hours later. The correspondent is now being investigated by the Mumbai police for latent, innate, hidden, closet effeminateness and by the Maharashtra Navnirman Samithi/Sangh/Sadan/Segregationists/Sodomizers/Somnambulists/School for North Indian-ness.

Not to be left behind, ace auteur(of which word, subscribers of this fictional newspaper will by now have guessed, this correspondent is particularly fond) and one-time playwright, Adoor Gopalakrishnan, yanked the microphone out of Guha's hands and announced that the silence was a beautiful gesture on the part of the government and it symbolised the beauty that was in nature. "Do things of beauty which are a joy forever make a noise? Do wild flowers trumpet their blooming? Do nightingales do a sound-check before they sing? Does A R Rahman do a sound-check before he sings? Does the jacaranda herald its growth? Is Sgt. Peppers' Lonely Hearts Club Band perhaps the greatest album ever made? Jai Chiranjeeva." he said. He then moved on to the sumptuous buffet, where he had lamb gosht, mutton kheema, chicken 65, chicken curry, chilly chicken and a few stray herbs of basil. Burping heavily thereafter, he continued. "The silence symbolises the confusion inherent in mankind and our search for answers from above and within. It is our exasperation and our not-understanding of God's silence at mankind's suffering." Subsequently, he inhaled deeply, enlarged his nostrils and went his way.

The government's silence was greeted with much confusion and anger by the Left parties, who said this exposed the cowardice of the government and their unwillingness to speak on the nuclear deal. CPI(M) spokesperson and former India wicket-keeper Vijay Dahiya said, and he is being quoted here, "Those skank hoes ain't sayin' nothing because they ain't got nothin' to say." Mr. Dahiya also confessed that he was being used much too frequently as a joke by many correspondents and wished it would stop. Other members of the Communist parties were much more belligerent in their outrage, however, and threw various sharp objects at Mr. Ram Swaroop, which he nimbly deflected.

Due to a crunching lack of punchlines and jokes, we interrupt this broadcast to bring you this:-
Woody Allen


Harish said...

"But why was the Government silent? Was it due to censorship? This reminds of emergency. In 1975..", was the initial reaction of Adaraneeya Advaniji when told about this news.

Roshan said...

Dude! That's some talent that you have..really enjoyed reading this :)

Arjun Sharma said...

[Harish] Yes, he is particularly concerned about free speech and its suppression and the ramifications thereof.

[Roshan] Thank you!