Monday, February 04, 2008

John Rambo -- an unbiased, painfully detailed review -- part II

(Recap:- Rambo kicks ass. Missionaries molest children.)

Rambo single-handedly kills all the evil soldiers who're making the innocent Burmese civilians run through landmine-infested paddy fields. With his beloved method of bow-and-arrow, he dispatches the missiles of death faster than the eye can see and each one unerringly hits its mark. Burmese militia - 0. John Rambo - about two dozen.

The mercenaries now wise up and are all, 'Whoa.' So Rambo comes along with them and they hatch a plan to rescue the missionaries from where they're being kept, in cages. Oddly, we think, the Sarah woman is still unharmed, though she's been tied up in a cage next to one full of pigs(and pigs, as anyone who's seen 'Snatch' knows, are dangerous). She has not yet been defiled by evil Asian men because....ta-daa, evil Asian men are paedophiles. Yes, the Burmese miltia leader, always wearing shades, is shown to be a boylover. Like Socrates, only more angry. Meanwhile, the evil militiamen are all drunk and enjoying some boring dance by lifeless women. So all this is happening when Rambo and the mercenaries hatch a plan(more likely, Rambo hatched the whole plan and these wise-asses just took credit for it and Rambo was too manly to complain.) which involves synchronization of watches. So they suddenly get into a truck somehow and go to the prison camp and sneak in, leaving British Soldier no.1 at the gate to shoot people. Then, Japanese-looking person jumps off the truck and sneaks in somewhere else. Then, Indian-looking person does the same. Then, School Boy. And finally, Rambo himself, after ensuring the safety of all the others. Everything goes like clockwork and the other guys rescue their intended targets. Rambo is about get Sarah out when stupid fate intervenes and some drunk soldier drags her off somewhere. To a hut. He's about to take his clothes off when Rambo gets hold of him and rips his throat out. It's the bloodiest Rambo killing I've seen. Burmese militia - 0, Rambo - several dozen and one throat-ripping.

Rambo then gets the woman out and they run, but the stupid woman falls and they're spotted by two soldiers. Unexpectedly, British Soldier no.1 comes to their aid and blows the heads of the soldiers off clean. The British can shoot straight. Who knew?

After this, the Burmese militia's child-abusing leader, Always-In-Shades, discovers the escape of the hostages. Enraged, he orders a search party despatched and, within a few hours, practically the whole country is looking for Rambo and his weak-kneed buddies. Rambo, Sarah and the British sharpshooter are in a group, with the others far ahead. Dogs are set after them and the canines are sniffing our heroes out. They're getting closer and closer and the situation is getting grim. What does Rambo do?!

Simple. He rips off a bit of clothing the Sarah chick is wearing and sends her and the sharpshooter away, saying he'll follow. Because he knows that he alone, and no one else, can accomplish the supreme feat of awesomeness he is about to accomplish. He selects a little leafy spot in the forest and then, ingeniously, wraps the bit of clothing around a bomb and leaves it there. Then, he runs. Yeah, he gets the hell out of there.

Unfortunately, no one told the Burmese soldiers, when Rambo runs, you'd better run.

The dogs get distracted by Rambo's clever trick and arrive promptly at the spot where the bomb is. The Burmese soldier holding the dog-leash carelessly uncovers the bomb, brushing away the leaves on top of it.

Meanwhile, Rambo is getting the hell away from the spot as fast as he can. Which actually is very fast, when you consider he's 61 years old. He's running like he's rushing to kick some humongous ass at a distant spot and time is running out. The Burmese soldier notices the piece of cloth ripped from Sarah's shirt and, additionally, a string/wire tied to it. Meanwhile, Rambo is still running, faster, faster, faster.

The Burmese soldier brushes away some more leaves and the string gets disentangled.

BLAM!!! The biggest motherfucking explosion in the history of the universe occurs and the bastards are killed all at once. The shockwaves from the blast propagate with the force of a thousand suns exploding and the whole bloody forest seems to be getting uprooted, the trees ripped out from their roots, the leaves on the ground blown away like they're so many bits of paper. The energy is so great, it even catches up with Rambo and he falls to the ground. If a wave can catch up with Rambo, it's got be some big, badass wave. And it's got to have been set off by Rambo. This blast is the biggest Rambo explosion ever. Scientists are now reconsidering their views in cosmology, saying it is now almost certain that Rambo created the universe with another similar explosion, which made the Big Bang look like only a little bang that didn't do anything, when he was kicking some ass which pissed him off. That is one awesome bomb.

Burmese militia - 0. John Rambo -- 2 million.

School Boy and the others are ahead but they get caught by another group of Burmese soldiers, stupidly. Sure enough, Always-In-Shades orders them tied up and shot. All hope is lost, our mercenaries will die, our missionaries will die(good riddance, one would have thought). Oh who shall save our heroes and the day?

Poor Rambo, he's got to look after all these people singlehandedly. Again, it's his job to save their sorry skins. He pulls a totally stunning move this time. When the mercenaries and missionaries are about to be shot(with School Boy spewing silly lines of bravado), Rambo slooooowly rises from behind one of the Burmese soldiers(a gunman), like Martin Sheen in 'Apocalypse now.' Except, Martin Sheen had mud all over him and looked a little silly, actually('Apocalypse now' is an amazing movie, though. No bad words shall be heard about it.). Rambo kills the gunman and takes control of the gun.

From then on, it is complete mayhem and a bloodbath. Rambo singlehandedly(as usual) kills everyone in sight(the enemy, of course), while the mercenaries kill whatever is left alive. Out of pity for them, you understand, not because Rambo missed. Then that Michael dude, the missionary person, rams a stone repeatedly into the skull of one of the Burmese guys. Thus establishing his fallibility and that of all fake-evangelists.

Then, Always-In-Shades tries to make a run for it. He's just realized who Rambo is. But Rambo's not having any of it. He catches the bastard and rips his stomach open and spills his intestines on the ground. Always-In-Shades collapses in one-and-a-half pieces. It's all over.

Rambo goes back home, a few days later. He enters a home with a postbox marked "R. Rambo." What a blessed father R. Rambo must have been to have a son like this. How grateful must we be to him. Ever, that's how grateful. Till we die. For, even if all is lost, even if the people of the world begin annihilating each other, civilizations crumble, nations collapse, glaciers melt, continents drift, islands coalesce and Apocalypse occurs, one man will always be there to fight for the underdog. One man will always be ready to shed the blood of the evil for the sake of justice. One man will put entire armies to shame with the body count he chalks up. One man will kick so much ass, no other man will feel at all adequate before him. Ever.

John Rambo.

13 comments:

Karthik D said...

The movie had a lot of situations where it could have turned into a porn movie. Like the time when the Sarah girl comes back in the night to ask for Rambo's help.

Olle detailed reviews-u. Channagide.

tangled said...

Dude migod! I'm ACTUALLY TEMPTED TO WATCH THIS MOVIE NOW. (And I haven't seen none of the other I- II- III parts, neither.)

You are too, too funny. :D

Anonymous said...

Why do I get the feeling you're trying to make Rambo a new Chuck Norris? Rambo can NEVER beat Chuck Norris (well, except maybe in Soviet Russia ...)

Arvind

Sandeep said...

Hehe, chanagide.

But I agree with Arvind here. No one can beat Chuck Norris.

Arcane Crapper said...

ROTFL!!! But I see, you omitted all the side commentary. And the fact that it's ok to let 4 asian women get raped in order to save a white missionary not-a-chick.

But, killer review. :D

Malaveeka said...

I want side commentary.

Arjun Sharma said...

[Karthik]Yeah, but Rambo in a porn movie? At 61? Really?

[Tangled]You should, you really should. Watch this, and then the first three.

[Arvind]He he, houdu, I am of the opinion Rambo is tougher than CHuck Norris. Chuck Norris could never make it in the jungle.

[Sandeep]Eno, their-their opinion their-theirs.

[Arcane Crapper]The 'When Rambo says you go home, you go home' was part of the side commentary. Your side commentary was that Rambo let the Asian women be raped while he rescued the weak, white chick. Which is right, of course. I don't remember Amulya making any points as valid and intelligent as these.

[Malaveeka]I gave. I'll try and add more when I remember something.

amulya herself said...

Bhenchod,
Amulya didn't make any wise ass comments because

a) she was busy stuffing herself with tomato flavoured chips.
b) she was busy trying to keep it down.
c) she was still bleary eyed by Gaalipata.

Karthik D said...

(wrt "side commentary")

Olle side kelsa maadthira. Maadi.

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