Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Pissing off, safely

Or
How the author attempts to get his groove back after a long time away and feels a little rusty and shaken, after having his monitor sneezed at by a fellow employee and getting distressingly close to another's halitosis.

Right, it's now got to that stage when people have even stopped asking me 'Where the fuck have you been?' Earlier, upon not hearing from me for more than two days, search parties with rabid Dobermann Pincers would be launched and every lurid detail, from what I've been upto to the colour of my polka-dotted ducky underwear, would be outed. Therefore, I am here to address these unasked questions.

Nothing helps like a little delusional dose of importance.

I've been upto curious things. Like work. They're making me do handovers now. While that may sound like a gay romp in the middle of the forests of the Vindhyas while being surrounded by angry tribesmen arguing over the right way to cook you, it's actually quite important. Not that a gay romp in the middle of the forests of the Vindhyas while being surrounded by angry tribesmen arguing over the right way to cook you isn't important. I have nothing against homosexuality, really. I am not a bigot. Please!

I am also doing asinine things like this:- Promoting large, multinational corporations for free

While this might piss off some people, we are ready to fearlessly espouse the cause of SAP for no monetary remuneration at all. Speaking of pissing people off, who do you think would be the easiest set of people to piss off in India, without being shot or knifed or generally dismembered? The Hindus, Muslims and Sikhs are right out. They're way too emotional about their religions(although the Hindus seem less so) and are quite handy with the crowbar and the hockey stick. The Christians are a minority here, but they're quite insidious with their influence and we might just have the Americans dropping some friendly fire in retaliation. The Buddhists and Jains? Come on, it's like taking icecream away from a baby and then slapping it for being so careless.

So, on the basis of such scientific evidence and analysis, Sharath and I have decided that the people to pick on are...


wait for it...


here it comes...


the JEWS!!!


Yes, the Jewish people. The Christ-killers. The pioneers of circumcision. The originators of sidelocks. Whatever ricidulous, cruel, caricaturesque, racist stereotype you can think of. Sharath opined that there are about ten Jewish people in India, to which I added Roger Binny might be one of them and will he not be pissed with the findings of this highly scientific poll? Then we figured if you're named 'Binny,' there's hardly anything that might piss you off more.

Roger Binny is, without doubt, one of the finest cricketers India has seen and his accomplishments can only attest to that fact and no amount of jocular ribbing by an unknown Bangalorean who will never, ever play for India can take this away from him. [Defamation disclaimer ends.]

Speaking of ten people, where are all the homosexuals? Don't get me wrong, I don't have a fetish of any sort nor am I slowly, but surely, 'turning' gay. But it's just that, you know, here I am, all ready to be open-minded about it and there's nobody to be open-minded about. My mind is open for no readily apparent reason and I feel unsafe, exposing it to malicious attack like that. I'm not talking about the professional gay people, like the ones you see at traffic signals and with whom you interact by depositing a tidy little sum of money, as demanded by them, and hope they will be satisfied; in exchange for which act of goodness, you get nothing (what a bad business model. If being gay were a business, they'd be broke in about an hour. This is their USP:- "Give me money and I"ll do....nothing for you."). I'm talking about the amateur homosexuals, the ones who don't make money out of it, the ones who are in society just like you and me (and if you're gay, well, '....who are in society just like me.'). I was talking about how it still upsets people of our parents' generation that there are homosexual people around and Sharath(the guy who pitched SAP in that video above) said they didn't even believe there were any such people. And they don't have reason too, by the looks of it. There are officially no homosexual people in Karnataka. I mean, would you believe a guy who came up to you and said "I am Basavaraj Sagar from Raichur and I am pleased to being homosexual. I look at the Gol Gumbaz and don't feel anything" ?

I rest my case.

2 comments:

Sandeep said...

Olle halitosis-u.

Doberman Pinscher, by the way.

You have highlighted a very important, but oft-ignored issue of gay Bangaloreans. I'm guessing may be there are about 7 gay people in Bangalore and 2 of them are still in the closet.

Arjun Sharma said...

[Sandeep] Yes, Pinscher. Despite reading 'The last frontier' by Alistair Maclean, I have misspelled. This is wrong. Forgive me, Father Maclean, for I have sinned.

He he, they're still in the closet?

You said 'oft.' Hmm.