Monday, October 15, 2007

Cricket fans shocked at 'Lagaan' result upturning

Indian cricket fans across the globe were shocked yesterday as the ICC, the BCCI and the US-based Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences(AMPAS) upturned the result of the historic fictional 'Lagaan' match between Champaner province and the English United Provinces XI and awarded the victory to the English team. The shocking verdict came in the light of revelations that the lead star, Aamir Khan, was mentally torturing British actor Paul Blackthorne by kidnapping his wife, in order to secure the win. The original screenplay, which has now been seized by the Uttar Pradesh police and kept under wraps(since it is considered 'highly volatile' material), is rumoured to contain 'quite an unexpected ending,' which did not altogether please Khan.

"Aamir Khan is a man who means business. He will achieve success at any cost," said noted Malayalam film director T Hariharan, who has helmed such features as 'Edavazhiyile Poocha Minda Poocha,' the critically acclaimed 'Oru Vadakkan Veeragadha,' and the more recent 'Ennu Swantham Janakikutty.' "I am told that the story of Lagaan, which bears striking similarities to Fazil's hit Malayalam film Marakkillorikkalum, ended on a tragic, sour note, which did not make Aamir Khan happy. Therefore, he went ahead and changed the script at the last minute. He kidnapped Paul Blackthorne's wife at 6:34 AM on June 14th, 2000, and took her in a black, unmarked Maruti van to a hideout in Antop Hill in Mumbai and kept her gagged and bound. Then, on the day of shooting the final scene, he signalled to Blackthorne what would happen if the ending did not go in Khan's, and therefore Champaner's, favour via a coded message sent across on a Pavel Schilling telegraph. Blackthorne, stunned and helpless, could not but go across the line after catching the last ball before it went for a six. He later also paid Khan a ransom of the three months tax that he personally waived, in gross excess of his authority. Of course, all this is just conjecture."

Initial Uttar Pradesh police investigations seem to support Hariharan's conjectures. Lucknow city commissioner, Batuknath Desai, speaking to reporters under condition of anonymity, said that residents of Antop Hill had, in fact, reported screams and yells issuing from one of the houses in their neighbourhood.
"I heard a woman screaming from the house next to mine. I remember the words distinctly. 'Aamir Khan has kidnapped me and kept me here. please help me!!'" said advertising executive John Cherian, a local resident. "I dismissed it as one of Raju Shrivastava's mimicry routines." Noted comedian Raju Shrivastava, who resides in some area other than Antop Hill, was not available for comment.

Desai also interviewed Faisal Khan, Aamir Khan's brother, about these script-rigging allegations. Faisal, who is said to refuse to take his schizophrenia medications unless they are coated with honey and sugar and little dollops of cream, said, "Aamir Khan is a method actor." When Desai beat him up severely for this unrelated statement, he replied that Aamir had done this in other films also and this was only the first time that it was coming to light. "For instance, Raja Hindustani was supposed to end with the girl suddenly realizing that she was a really rich girl and had to be stunningly stupid to go out with a silly and poor Aamir Khan. The girl also realizes that she is a lesbian. It was supposed to bring out the smugness and avarice of the rich and the silliness of Aamir Khan. Sarfarosh had Aamir Khan himself being a terrorist and a harmonium player and Naseeruddin Shah being roundly criticized by all present for singing badly. But you know how those movies ended! I hope this will usher in a new era of investigations into script authenticity and sanctity of intention."

Meanwhile, cricket fans and movie lovers across the length and breadth of the Khan household are shocked. They say they have never felt as let down by any inspirational fictional tale of cricket victories. Sharad Pawar, who resides in the tool shed of Khan's house, declined to comment on record to the media, but said off the record that this was going to be a tough one to play down.
"This is going to be even tougher than the Hansie Cronje thing or the one with Azhar" he said, scratching his chin. "Atleast, neither Azhar nor Hansie kidnapped other people's wives. And even Ravana, who did do this, fought honestly in battle and did not use Seeta as a blackmailing device against the ambiguously existent Ram. Aamir's actions have deeply saddened me. I will now go, fight and lose the Assam Cricket Board elections for the next ten years as repentance."

ICC CEO Malcolm Speed, along with the chiefs of the BCCI and the AMPAS, speaking at a press conference in Munich yesterday while announcing the change of the verdict, said that this new revelation was an awakening for the entire cricketing and moviegoing world. This will mean that people will henceforth be more careful while going to watch fake-inspirational-movies-about-unknown-people-facing-huge-hurdles-in-life starring actors who make crores out of the movie and rig the script, said Speed, snorting the narcotic of the same name. The president of the AMPAS, who wished to be named but will not be, since no one knows his name, said the Academy will now recant the Oscar nomination awarded to 'Lagaan' and instead give it to 'Eklavya,' despite the fact that the latter hadn't even been made then. This would ensure that 'Eklavya' would not get sent this year, he said, because 'let's face it, it's a horrible film.' Adman Prahlad Kakkar and the Dalai Lama were also present on stage.

The reclusive Aamir Khan, who is difficult to find for purposes of interviews or good acting, spoke to select reporters via telephone. Reacting to the script-fixing allegations, he said, "I am a method actor. I like to get into the skin of the character."

Reporters did not know what to make of this statement and concluded that Mr Khan was a violent, misogynistic homophobe.

7 comments:

nivedita said...

funny!
you really hate amir khan don't you?

nivedita said...

You wrote the whole post just to get the 'ravana kidnapping sita' part in didn't you?

And you just got Amir khan in because you hate him.

Harish said...

illi Nivedita, enu nimma post-na raison d'etre kanDu hiDiyakke hogidaare.... oLLe NH joke explain maaDtidda tara. irli. It adds variety to the comments section. In a democracy people have the right to express themselves. They can also file an RTI application, vote Governments in or boot them out, summarily dismiss the existence of God and many other things that would have been unthinkable either in times of emergency(1975-77) or under a dictatorial regime.
Idyako, ee comment ee postge ashtu relevent illa anistide. But bardu aagide. Delete maaDalla. Please don't treat it as spam.

Harish said...

Now coming to the topic of this latest post from MiddleClassBrahmin Inc.
This was a really rip-roaring-humour stuff. It starts off with a revelation that will surely shock the hell out of you. Imagine a blog author summarily dismissing a blockbuster movie - that brought cheers to millions of moviegoers around the world - as fictional. This was as inflammatory as the now infamous Ram affidavit. But the diference between the two was this was supremely funny in the way this ridicules Aamir and his movies and also Sharad Pawar and his brand of cricket politics.
An air of authenticity to something as satirical as this is brought by the mention of Malyalam movies. You could be excused for thinking that the author made it up.
The bit about Faisal Khan will only aid and abet the laughing process that the post engenders in the reader. All in all a reader's delight.
I would go with 5 stars for "Cricket fans shocked at 'Lagaan' result upturning" - the newest post from MiddleClassBrahmin Inc. If you haven't read this, you are surely missing something.

Harish said...

Nanage tale keTTide ante eega confirm aytu ankotini...

Sandeep said...

The Onion, inda inspire agi fictitious news stories bardiro haagide. Irli.

Mr N Kumar yako kudidene eneno bardidaare.

Arjun said...

[Nivedita]'Hate' is a bit strong. 'Dislike' would be ok.

No, the thing was to be about the upturned verdict. Ravana was just accidental.

[Harish]Houdu, ashtagi relevant irlilla. Aadru irli.

Neevu shri Masand-na milieu-ge belong aago thara review kottidira. Kodi.

[Sandeep]He he, houdu. Imagine him drunk and reviewing things.