Monday, August 13, 2007

The Zodiac killer

Don't you pity the guy who has to write the horoscope for people every day in the newspaper? Doesn't he(here, 'he' refers to 'he/she.' Frickin liberals.) get tired of writing the same old stuff every day? And is he really such an optimistic person, a person with such a sunny disposition that he only wants the best for everybody and always predicts/wishes good things for them? I'll bet you he doesn't. I'll bet it's an over-qualified graduate who's been stuck with this job and is squirming and chafing at having to do it till he hits paydirt with a good story. He's currently living in a dingy apartment with a chain-smoking theatre personality and a lesbian midget and he's doing this to get by till better things come along and once in a while, the frustration just gets through.

Just for once, I'd like to see this person write everybody's fortunes honestly.

ARIES:- Born under a sunsign named for the delicate situation of silence that follows when one person in a group of people farts and the others know it is him/her, you will have a bad day today. Nothing will go right for you. You will run into dense traffic on the way to work, incompetent drivers will ram into your car and cause damage worth thousands of rupees and fight with you and go away without even paying you. Your wife will tell you she is leaving you because 'there is someone else.' And that's not the worst of it. That someone else will turn out to be your brother. And he'll turn out to be gay.
Lucky dates:- 3rd, 5th and 7th.

TAURUS:- The bull. Which is pretty much what your life is going to be full of for some time to come. You will attend four meetings a day at work and talk to foreigners with unintelligible accents. Your teammates will hate you. The men will think that stain in the bathroom was because of you. And the women will think you are the stain. Your attempts at flirting with that cute chick in the neighbouring department will result in disaster when she goes and complains to her manager of sexual harassment. On returning home, you will find your parents have brought some strangers home and want you to 'talk to their daughter and see.' After you do, she will die.
Lucky dates:- 4th, 8th and 7th.

GEMINI:- Oh my friend, my poor, poor friend! Where shall I even start? Your dog will perish in a horrific car accident. Your great-aunt will suddenly develop a goitre a foot wide. Ace surgeons will make a rare mistake while performing an appendicitis operation on you and you will no longer be able to procreate, but will instead be able to 'receive.' If you're thinking of atleast making do with whatever you now have, they will tie up your newfound tubes too, rendering you essentially useless. This news will reach your grandfather, who will go mad and have a torrid affair with the hot nurse in your room. Four people will die because of a blue lungi you wear.
Lucky dates:- Are you kidding me?

CANCER:- Change the name, then come back and talk to me.
Lucky dates:- Like I said.

LEO:- Two men will shadow you surreptitiously all day today. You will not know why they are following you, nor will they tell you. Your daughter will choose this day to tell you she is 'with child,' but she does not remember who...oh wait, she does. It's that retard with the long hair who has pierced his eyebrows and who you suspect does drugs. No, not a good idea to buy that car today. Those shares you invested in? Wakey wakey, CRASH! Market down 1400 points in one day. The two men will come to your house tomorrow, unexpectedly break the left rear indicator of your motorcycle and disappear discreetly.
Lucky dates:- 18th, 19th, 20th. And October the 8th. Just like that. I don't know, what do I care?

VIRGO:- You are the kind of man that tries to grow a goatee, but fails. That tantalizing link between your moutache and your beard never quite seems to materialize fully and drives you insane. Your wife will suddenly give birth to twins, when you don't even remember having been intimate with her over the past twelve months. Your father will leave home on a mission to count to infinity. Satellite pictures will reveal your house is above an ancient civilization's refuse deposit ground. Archaeologists will take over your house and drill holes the size of Australia and find nothing.
Lucky dates:- Yesterday. Ha ha, missed it, sucker!

LIBRA:- Your sunsign sounds like denim undergarments for women. Or Bruce Lee's brassiere. Things cannot get any better for you now, can they? You will drop a pen today. This will set off a chain of events which culminate in you finally losing your virginity, at the age of 30. However, the person you got lucky with will turn out to have a hairy back and nostrils and you will vomit all over him(this refers only to 'him,' not 'him/her'), resulting in your arrest(he's a police officer named Vadapalani).
Lucky dates:- The hairy guy. You will never have sex again.

SCORPIO:- Stinging insects? Really? Go count to three hundred in a busy traffic junction. You will watch '300' over and over again, till the sight of perfect pectorals and "SPARTAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" drive you insane. Hair will suddenly start sprouting in your ears. A strange man will offer to pluck your nasal hair with a pair of tweezers. Despite your polite refusl, he, kindred soul that he is, will do it anyway, free of cost. The resulting bloodletting will render you haemophiliac. I don't know if that's medically possible but I hope to God it is.
Lucky dates:- Summer solstice.

SAGITTARIUS:- You will suffer from caudal dislocation of the septum. This will necessitate surgery, but local anaesthesia will fail and you will develop orbital cellulitis. Busty men will perform your surgery and their sagging faux-mammalia will bump against your face continuously as they perform the surgery without putting you under. Women will say no to multiple-choice questions you ask of them. You will earn well, though. Yeah, I'm in a slightly good mood at this moment, drinking coffee. You got off easy.
Lucky dates:- The day when the shadow of the obelisk falls perpendicularly on the clock tower and the gateway to the ancient city opens up. Avoid sharp instruments.

CAPRICORN:- You will die today. Make no mistake about it, you will cease to exist from this day forth. There is no escaping it, your departure from among the living is imminent. The hour of judgement will not go by without incident, however. A two-ton safe will fall on your head, causing cerebrospinal fluid to spray all over the people around you. It will be revealed that you have wandered on to the set of the Calvin and Hobbes movie when they were shooting that famous transmogrifier scene.
Lucky dates:- (SNORT! Trying hard to suppress a laugh)Today.

AQUARIUS:- Though the name is good, nothing else is good about you today. Stop bugging me, go learn about roadrules.
Lucky dates:- None

PISCES:- Isn't it bad enough that your sunsign sounds like painful rectal formations? Do you really want to know more..? All right, your funeral. Which incidentally is what your family is planning today, since they all know you have cancer and piles(a rare combination) and are going to depart any time now and they haven't told you yet because they want you to 'live out your last days in peace and comfort.' Aww. Everyone hates you. You're useless. You spent all the money you earned on a rehabilitation centre for horses. So they didn't bother telling you and getting you treatment. It's their revenge. A dish best served cold.
Lucky dates:- Winter equinox.

'Honesty is the best policy. Please read the offer documents carefully before investing' -- old jungle saying.


Malaveeka said...


So so funny.

Ooh. Arjun got his groove back.

Malaveeka said...

Saggitarius was brilliant.

Sandeep said...

Hehe, olle haasya. Gemini antu sakkatagide.

I suddenly don't like you very much.

I'll take it all personally and grow a vagina and act like KD. Except, my girlfriend won't make a feeble attempt to defend me.

Inn yaar ri? said...

Akwariyus sareegittu.

And actually, the truth behind the astro column is simple:

VTimes flicks from five day old SlimesOI, which flicks from random site online, which flicks from a tabloid along the lines of MDay, whose writer actually comes from MMirror, and you see, he was consulting the underpaid, broke intern working for regional paper who found the article while eating bhel-puri.

Harish said...

SikkaaapaTTe haasya!

"Four people will die because of a blue lungi you wear. " - This reminded of Veerakesari.

Vadapalani kathe tumba chennaagittu.

"You will die today. Make no mistake about it, you will cease to exist from this day forth" - oLLe decisive and fatal predictions-u.

Geleyare, bariri.

Parisarapremi said...

ನಗೋದನ್ನು ನಿಲ್ಲಿಸಲು ಸಾಧ್ಯವೇ ಆಗ್ತಿಲ್ಲ.. ಹಹ್ಹಹ್ಹಾ..

ಸೆನ್ಸಾರ್ ಮಂಡಳಿಗೆ ದೂರು ಕೊಡ್ತೀನಿ ಇರು.. ;-)

Kavitha said...

Well written.....LOL...and LOL again....

Yeah if you read all the signs one after the other the contents will be the same, in a different order, written using different terms though!!!

But your "Horo(r?)scopes" makes a better read.....LOL

LivingDeath said...


Santoz said...

Lol... Ever wonder how these horrorscope writers appraisal takes place in there organizations..

More the predications come true more the increament ? :-)

Amazing writing you have.. will peep in more often.


Santoz said...

And i carried this thought a little further here :-)