Thursday, July 19, 2007

People who can safely be shot

Altaf Raja

Did you ever hear a voice that made you think, "That's it, the end of the world is here. The frogs with angst are here." Or "Man, I could really clear my bowels by listening to that voice." Well, Altaf Raja goes one step further. He clears not only your bowels while singing, but also his own. Doesn't his voice sound like his movements have not really been that good over the past few days and he's not too happy about it and is frowning as he's singing/saying those lines? I think he was one of those rich kids who always complained about everything when he was in school. You know, "Yeah, we could play cricket. But what if the ball gets lost? My father bought that ball only yesterday." "We bought a car. But our neighbours bought a bigger one and it's sad." "I have a vagina."

He should be shot.

V P Singh

Now what the hell is this guy doing alive? Seriously, is there any use of his continued existence on this planet? His appointment of Jagmohan as the governor of J&K and the subsequent rise of insurgency in that state is still costing us dear. As is his implementation of the Mandal commission's recommendations. It seems as though he had determined early in his life that his job was to bleed this country silly, to make sure he did things that would have a lasting, detrimental impact on the country. Why, as a child, when his teacher asked him what he wanted to do when he grew up, I'm sure Singh said "I want to get cancer and diabetes and have dialysis and treatment at the expense of the people of the country. I also want to divide people along caste lines and make sure this country never becomes united again. Then I will pretend to be an elderly, venerable statesman and give advice to successive governments about how to make bad policy decisions. Oh also, I want to paint." And then his teacher praised him for his noble intentions and went back to teaching other inbred brats.

I'm not sure, but I think that somehow, I am paying for this man's dialysis or whatever treatment he's getting right now. And I'm not sure I want to do that. I want to withdraw from this involuntary "Save Singh" capmaign. I don't want to save this guy. I'd rather save the whales, though I'm not getting much use out of them either. But atleast they're not in power implementing casteist ideology-driven policies.

We should have a whale for Prime minister once.

V P Singh should be shot. And then shot again, just to make sure.

Anu Malik

Where is his sense of tune? He cannot sing for nuts and he's out there, judging people's singing abilities. He's probably composed about a dozen good songs in over 25 years as music director. And in the few times that he has done so, the influence of Ilayaraja and A R Rahman has been too strong to ignore(Asoka, for instance). He was way too irritating on the one or two episodes of "INDYUNN EYE-DULL!!" that I watched and a lesson or two from a Smith and Wesson wouldn't be all that bad for him. It's only sheer, dumb luck and very unfortunate that he was associated with a wonderful movie like 'Munnabhai MBBS.' Maybe he should be V P Singh's official music composer. He could rustle up(read:- COPY!!) a tune to be played whenever Singh walks into a room. He also will have left a lasting, detrimental impact on the country.

Anu Malik should be shot with a cannon.

Aamir Khan

OK, he's always been getting on my nerves, this short man with his affected manner of speaking, his mediocre performances and his grossly mistaken belief that his opinion on every issue is correct and relevant. Agreed, 'Lagaan' was a good movie, but his role wasn't exactly "Oh only he could have done it!" The story was the winner there, as was the brilliant music. His 'involvement' in the Narmada campaign gave him a lot of undeserved media space and he came along and started saying things he didn't know anything about.
"Yes, we should save the penguins because, er, you see, that is, basically, I am a method actor. And I really get into the, the, the skin of the character. And the testicles. So I really know the character in and out."

He thinks he's such a great actor. He's just ok. He apparently turned vegetarian because he had to play Mangal Pandey, who was said to be a devout Brahmin, in that Rising movie(you will remember this bad experience. They played those sanitary napkin ads relentlessly before the movie started, to an audience that was predominantly male. And it wasn't even a horror movie). Whoa, acting powerhouse alert! In his next movie 'Fanaa'(I think that was his next. I don't care if I'm wrong), which I thankfully didn't watch, he played a terrorist. So what did he do, go out and blow shit up?

How the hell did turning vegetarian help him understand what kind of man Mangal Pandey was? "THAT'S the key to understanding any man:- cuisine!!" Shouldn't he be actually doing some, I don't know, ACTING?! I am a vegetarian and I'm not sure I will understand Jack the Ripper better just by eating meat. Because, you know, Jack was a non-vegetarian. There, nailed it! I now know how the mind of a killer works. To hell with his environment and his upbringing and the books he read and the people he spent time with. He. Ate. Meat.

I don't really like these method actors. Atleast method actors who call themselves method actors. Their performances are sterile and affected and you rarely ever identify/empathize/hate/love/react to the characters they play. You might jump at me with "But Marlon Brando was a method actor too!" I say De Niro was better. Brando was a great actor and no one, but no one, could have played Vito Corleone, Terry Malloy, Stanley Kowalski and Colonel Kurtz better. He had that...that presence, you know. But he wasn't as versatile as DeNiro. You cannot envision him in 'Taxi driver,' 'Raging bull,' 'Good fellas' 'Analyze this' and 'Meet the parents.' DeNiro is a fricking chameleon. Such versatility.

As I was saying, Aamir Khan is just pretentious. Reminds you of that piece of trivia where Laurence Olivier is supposed to have said to Dustin Hoffman on the sets of 'Marathon man,' "Boy, why don't you stop all this running and instead try some acting?"

Kamal Haasan doesn't do any of this pretentious nonsense and he's played some of the most complex, likeable, detestable and intriguing characters in the world. He doesn't go about saying he gets into the skin of the character or the lingerie of the role or whatever. He's genius. True genius. I'll write a lengthy encomium to "Anbe sivam" and why it's the greatest film ever made and why he is the greatest actor in the world, ever, one day and put it up here and instantly lose friends.

Aamir Khan should be shot. And allowed to get out of the skin of his character.

Muthuvel Karunanidhi

Honestly, who wears dark glasses in Madras? Wait, according to go-to-this-link-later, everyone there is supposed to. But really, this guy's been doing it for the past thirtyfive years or so. What's he afraid of, a permanent eclipse? Does he actually think all people in Madras have Madras eye and he might get it too if he isn't careful? Or does he really have only one eye? Like Medusa or something. Man, that would be creepy. Imagine a one-eyed man speaking to you in that voice of his. You wouldn't know whether to laugh or go quickly in your pants.

Or does he think he's being cool and with it? He'd go to a party or a gathering of men in lungis and women in daavaNis and walk up to a girl and lower those glasses a bit, coolly, and say "Hey beauty, nee romba naughty. Eppadi inda party? You want better party? Dravida Munnetra Kazhagam!"

He doesn't even deserve to be shot. He should just be thrown to the sharks. Or made to fight those wars with the Eelam he's so fond of.

I'd think of more, but I'm filled with a sudden thirst for warm milk. Then I'm going to go get my Form 16s tomorrow morning and think about my taxes. Then, I'm going to test the Performance Data Collector on some badass real NEs(Network Elements). Then I'm going to update the status of some testcases using a Test Object Manager(TOM). Then, in the evening, to top it all off, I'm going to pontificate to a colleague about a simulator we use for the ITU defined Q3 interface.

Beat that, Rambo.


Parisarapremi said...

ಇನ್ನೊಂದಷ್ಟು ವಿ.ಐ.ಪಿ.ಗಳನ್ನು ಮಿಸ್ ಮಾಡ್ಬಿಟಿದೀರಲ್ಲಾ.. ರಾಘವೇಂದ್ರ ರಾಜ್‍ಕುಮಾರ್‍ರಂಥವರ ಹೆಸರೇ ಇಲ್ಲಿ ನಾಪತ್ತೆಯಾಗಿರೋದರಿಂದ ನಿಮ್ಮ ವಿರುದ್ಧ ಮೊಕದ್ದಮೆ ಹೂಡ ಬೇಕಿದೆ ನೋಡಿ..

Harish said...

I remember reading somewhere that V P Singh said something like this about the reservation policy he introduced - "You can forget me but you cannot forget my signature on the reservation bill". How much anti-nationalistic a person can be? He should be shot, shot and shot. Just, as you have said, to make sure he is dead.

Aamir Khan got into that Narmada controversy just to play with the sensitivities of Gujratis and target Modi and in the process get some cheap publicity ahead of his o-so-awful film Fanaa(which I could not watch for more than half an hour). He can be safely shot.

Kamal Haasan. Genius. Ashte.

"Hey beauty, nee romba naughty. Eppadi inda party? You want better party? Dravida Munnetra Kazhagam!" - Idanna odi sikk-sikkaapaTTe nagu bantu.Imagine Karunanidhi saying that in his voice. Sikk-sikkaapaTTe nagu barutte.
Kalaignar Karunanidhi - Tamil Nadu certainly needs some change from the farcical Dravidian politics.

List of others whom you have missed:
Rajdeep Sardesai
Sagarika Ghose
Yogendra Yadav
U R Anantmurthy
Indian Communists
Haasya ariyada Kannadada 'Haasyagaararu'. Example: Mysore Anand

@Parisarapremi: Atleast Puneeth Rajkumar taanu mahaan naTa anta heLkonD tirugalla.

tangled said...

Excellent, excellent post, sir. I laughed my head off almost continuously. Hopefully that was the reaction you were going for. Particularly liked the A. Khan part.

Along came Polly! said...

My office boy made nimbu pani with salt.

No nimbu.

Little paani.

And not a speck of sugar.

Can he please qualify?

Sandeep said...

Geleyare, neevu olle hasya bardidira. Fag end of the day li idanna odbittu, manege bandu ninge phone madbidtini.

The Darkling Thrush said...

=D wonderfully said. all of it.

Kavitha said...

LOL...Arjun, this is makes it the most hillarious stuff I have read recently....Loved the Anu Malik part....Haven't still stopped laughing my heart out.

Malaveeka said...

I was wrong about it, it seems.

Fine. I'll go sulk in a corner.

Arjun Sharma said...

[Parisarapremi]He he, Raghavendra Rajkumar huttirode avarige ondu bruhad apaghata anta ankonde. irli, avana hesrannu serskoloNa.

[Harish]Right, Anantamurthy and co were a big miss. A huge faux pas on my part. Sorry.

[Tangled]Thank you, madam. Yes, that was kind of the reaction hoped for, although some people thought otherwise.

[Suhasini]Sure, shoot him. Pay the dude's family some compensation, though.

Are ya crazy??!!! Of course you can't shoot him!!! It was a mistake. Just stop going there

I get very worked up when I imagine myself as a union leader.

[Sandeep]Olle fags-u.

[Thrush]Thanks, ri. :)

[Kavitha]Thank you very much. :)

[Malaveeka]AAAAAAAH HA HA HA HA!!!!!!! Stoopid!!!

Yeah, go stand in the corner and sulk. No sitting down also. For four hours. For hurting me so.