Thursday, May 10, 2007

The interview

Here's something I wrote for our computer science department newspaper. Called 'Synergy,' the editorial reigns of this newspaper were taken over from the unfortunately-named Rosh Mullasseril Alex, a year our senior, by the now-that-I-come-to-think-of-it-rather-adorable Moitrayee Gupta from our class. This brought in some positive changes, mainly because two or three articles I submitted were deemed worthy of publishing. And it was a good paper, really. Not the '...kewl...rulz...lol...i-like-dick' story publishing one, but one which paid attention to what went into the paper and what went out(and this category had many candidates, I'm sure). I have all the issues of the paper in my house and I don't get bored reading them even now.

However, I wrote the following tedious article some time after my campus interviews happened. It was suitably edited to suit the existing engineering college administrative zeitgeist, but this, below, is the unabridged, unabashed original:-

I was asked a few of the following questions during my interviews. I have tried to faithfully reproduce whatever answers I had thought of giving but ended up forgetting, having to make up others on the spot. Note, kindly, that the answers to each question from ‘b’ onwards are not recommended for usage in interviews and are for reading purposes only.

The 'a' answers are increasingly stupid.

The tentative answers:-

1. Tell me about yourself.
a. I’m a localite. My father (fill father’s occupation here). My mother (fill mother’s occupation here) and is really good at it. My brother/sister(if any) (fill sibling’s occupation here).
Also, I (fill extra-curricular hobbies and talents here). I can speak, read and write (fill languages known here).

b. I’m a recovering alcoholic and also a former member of the Ku Klux Klan. My father, one day, decided to enroll at Suicide Bomber school and that was the last we heard of him. They say that business went up in smoke. My mother works the dark alleyways and streets with her trusty knife. She’s the one who puts food on the table. She also puts human body parts there but that’s only rarely. My brother’s in rehab. He was in a band called ‘Death due mostly to excessive intravenous drug abuse.’ The other members are all actually dead due mostly to excessive intravenous drug abuse.
As a hobby, I collect rat bones, squirrel skulls and small bits of Plaster-of-Paris(which I sniff discreetly). I also have a photo album of the faces of famous one-testicled men.

c. No, you tell me about yourself.

2. What are your strengths?
a. I am optimistic, focused and motivated. New challenges spur me on. New visions, new methods, new platforms – essentially, newness drives me. I also have a good sense of humour, which helps me see the funnier side of things. And that helps bring down stress levels. I am also a committed team-player.

b. Strengths? I weigh two hundred pounds and can pack a mean punch or two. I’ve been arrested twice for assault and/or battery. I can rough up ill-behaved groupies. Also, I have—oh, you mean those kind of strengths? Yeah well, I can talk for a long time without burping.

c. I’m very sexy.

d. I have a Beretta in my pocket and it’s pointed right at you.

3. What are your weaknesses? How would you work towards eliminating them?
a. Well, I’m not proud of it but I am a bit impatient. If simple things take too long to complete, I get annoyed. But this can be improved upon easily. Developing patience is something I think I can do very easily.

b. I’m hardly enthusiastic and never motivated by anything. I’m a cynical weirdo. I don’t get excited by new challenges. I’m very lazy. In fact, I’m so lazy I attained puberty only last week.

c. I can’t be bothered to even answer your question.

4. Tell me, why should we hire you?
a. Well, sir/madam, I’ve outlined my strengths or you. I would make available to the organization all my commitment, dedication, indeed, my very soul. I have been imagining working for your company for quite some time and I believe, nay, I know I can contribute to making it an even more prestigious, profitable one. With all my mite, I shall endeavour to become an integral part o your organization. All in all, I do different things and I do things differently. I will strive to be a valuable, nay invaluable asset to the company.

(Author's note from today:- Yeah, try saying this in an interview.)



b. Well, why not?

c. My brother, Big Stabby Mo, is waiting outside, that’s why.

5. What direction do you see your career taking with us?
a. In the immediate future, I want to hone my technical skills to something like perfection(at this point, chuckle or smile but not for too long, lest they think you’re slightly unhinged or something). I want to take the opportunities that your company provides to study various technologies and sectors. After gaining such experience, I would eventually want, much like anyone else, I guess, to form and head a team of go-getting individuals that develops newer, better, cutting-edge software/technology.

b. That one (point in some direction).

c. Where’s the toilet?

6. Are you willing to relocate?
a. Yes. I’ve been staying home all these years and would relish the chance to be independent for a while.

b. Are you willing to relocate?

c. What?! No!! I love this town!!

7. What’s your favourite subject?
a. I’ve liked all the subjects we’ve had so far. If I have to pick a favourite, I’d say Unix. But I’m also partial to DBMS, data structures, C and C++.

b. What’s your favourite subject?

c. Breasts.

8. Why have your marks been steadily decreasing, over the semesters?
a. (I said this to the TCS guys and I guess it holds for the other companies too) That’s just bad luck, sir (replace ‘sir’ with ‘madam’ if and only if appropriate). It’s not as though I’ve been slacking or suddenly started studying a lot less than required. I’ve been putting in a lot of effort…I don’t know. But I don’t want to blame anyone.
(They seemed quite satisfied by that, since they asked no more questions.)

b. Why have your marks been steadily decreasing, over the semesters?

c. My own father hasn’t asked me this; how dare you?!!

d. That’s because I’ve been whiling away my time, hanging out with my reprobate friends, not studying, smoking, drinking, doing drugs, listening to death metal, having unprotected sex.

e. Why do you care? They didn’t(adopt parent-hating, bitter voice).

9. Do you have any questions about us?
a. What kind of projects does your organization take up?

b. Is there scope for growth in the organization?

c. Did Malcolm or Macduff kill Macbeth?

d. With the China Huarong Asset Management Corporation being privatized, will China leave India behind in the privatization race?

e. Are you still gay?

19 comments:

Sandeep said...

I've read this one before. Funny then, even more funny now, after having attended all those interviews.

Roshan said...

Hilarious dude! Enjoyed reading this one.

nivedita said...

:)

Anonymous said...

Well written....doesn't the same thoughts pass through all our minds? U write very well...

tangled said...

'...kewl...rulz...lol...i-like-dick' story ... um what?

Big Stabby Moe!!
I love it. Now bring me some ice-cream. Pay no attention to the lies AC spreads about me.

Malaveeka said...

Super Awesome! I’m squelching a laugh because I’m at work.

I’m typing this comment on Word so that they think this is official.

Ha ha!

Sockers!

This is what I am doing at work. Typing the following…

“It shall promptly pay in a timely manner all the present and future municipal taxes, property taxes, normal fire insurance for the building premises and any kind of cess, taxes, charges and duties (including without any limitations any increases in the said taxes, cesses, charges and duties) imposed “

Thankyouandgoodnight.

Sandeep said...

I also pledge the life of my first-born offspring in case I fail to do as stated above.

Harish said...

Raaja haasya! Royal humour!

Parisarapremi said...

ಹ ಹ್ಹ ಹ್ಹ ಹ್ಹಾ.... ಸಖತ್ತಾಗಿದೆ.. ನಕ್ಕು ನಕ್ಕು ಹೊಟ್ಟೆ ಹುಣ್ಣಾಯಿತು ನೋಡಿ.. ಬಿ.ಬಿ.ನ... ಎ.ಬಿ.ನ.. ಉ.ಹೊ.ನ.. :))

ನಗಿಸಿದ ಪುಣ್ಯ ನಿಮ್ಮದು!!

Malaveeka said...

Name three famous people with one testicle only. Onus probandi.

I challenge you.

If you get this right, 'Cheeni Kum' is on me.

Malaveeka said...

I meant only one testicle.

My synatx is getting mothersweared.

Arjun Sharma said...

[Sandeep]Olle interviews-u.

[Roshan]Thanks!

[Nivedita]Right back at ya. :)

[Anonymous]Aww

[Tangled]You know, the MySpace kind of blogs.

Ice cream? On its way. I trust AC because he is an honourable and truthful man. Admittedly, we have only met once. Still, that's enough for me to know he is honest and truthful.

[Malaveeka] GASP!! You're slacking on office time!! Double GASP!! And I'm actually saying it, not gasping.

[Sandeep]Neenen Harishchandra-na?

[Harish]Olle translations-u!

[Parisarapremi]Olle gahagahisi nakkidira.

Ayyo, punya-ve? Dodda maatu.

[Malaveeka]Like I said, Adolf Hitler, Alexander of Macedonia and A Bhootalingam -- three men with only one testicle. Your obsessions scare me.

Originally from Chromepet, Madras, Mr Bhootalingam lost his eyesight and right testicle in an accident involving a bullock cart, three cans of water and a large jackfruit. The Hindu documents this in its issue of October 1st, 1979.

I guess 'Cheeni kum' is on me now.

Arcane Crapper said...

Truly, very enlightening. :D
It's another thing that I actually imagined myself answering option c to question 7 in an interview.

One testicle? Hmmm... I suppose there's a new blockbuster novel headed our way - Harry Potter and the Undescended Testicle. No wonder he's got a serious problem with Voldemort.

And thank you for the vote of confidence...

@Tangled: * POINTS FINGER AND LAUGHS. *

freak said...

lance armstrong - oprah called him 'uni-ball' on TV!

nivedita said...

'Cheeni kum' is tea with less sugar?

I also want.

[freak] you watch way too much oprah dude

Malaveeka said...

@Nivedita: The movie not the tea. Although I would like to have tea with ya.
@Arjun: So you’re bringing confidential information into a public forum? I would like to inform you that I no longer subscribe to the idea of being like ‘this’.

Take that!

Malaveeka said...

Why are my comments not registring?

Damn!

@Nivedita: AB looks very Anthony Bourdain. Major crushing there.

@Arjun: I'm not obsessed with testicles. To inform you, I'm not the one who calls things 'baby'. Ugh.

@AC: I'd like to read that Harry Potter book.

@Freak: A fellow Oprah watcher. Go dude!

@Sandeep: You're pledging children to what? We have laws against such criminal doings, you know.

@Roshan: Didn't want you to feel left out. Yo!

nivedita said...

Shame. My bollywood knowledge is so kharaab. AB looks good there yes. But not a patch on Bourdain, I'm afraid.

Next time you're here. Tea at Koshys.

Arjun Sharma said...

[Crapper]He he, that Potter book would outsell the Bible too, I guess!

[Freak]She did? How rude!

And yes, Nivedita's right. Somewhat.

[Nivedita]Movie, dimwit.

[Malaveeka]Yes yes, like this, I know.

[Malaveeka and Nivedita]Sari, illi bandu kootkondu neevella chat maadbidi. Adoo, gottildiro cooks bagge.