Friday, March 07, 2008


It isn't often that an event of even the slightest importance or excitement happens in our cosy, lazy apartment and the occurrence of a theft in one of the houses here, therefore, created considerable brouhaha. Much hullabaloo later, it was revealed that the man/men with an admirable sleight of hand had decamped with mobile phones and booty amounting to about 14000 rupees. The security guard was summoned forthwith and interrogated intensely for a long while, whereupon it came to light that he had rested his eyes, blessed man, for a good many moments and the theft had occurred in that time in which he was dreaming pleasantly.

"Of what use is the security guard if not for the security of the people of he apartment and their belongings?!" one may now ask, agitatedly. A more detailed account of the proceedings that led up to the theft itself may be in order here.

The theft occurred in apartment 108 on the first floor(ours being 206 on the second floor, and this being a needless point here), wherein lived bachelors of a rather disturbing nature. Their bachelorhood was not disturbing; rather, it was a good feature since they did not have noisy, spoilt irritating children who drove their small bicycles clumsily into one's car as it was parked in the general parking area on the ground floor and caused damage worth thousands by causing minor scratches and major breakage. Said bachelors did not also have children who urinated on(or in the immediate area around) their threshold and caused the genesis of a phenomenal stench which travelled on the carrier waves of air and entered all the homes in the floors above and contaminated the kitchens where food was being prepared.

No, it was their nature which was reported to be disturbing. Of fine upbringing though they might be, they resorted to playing their music rather loudly and instilling in the homes around and above them a feeling that a swift death at the hands of an aggravated rhino at the end of an acrimonious dispute over economics would be preferable to listening to this junk. They would also play cricket, football and other physical games in their homes and the passageway outside it, in order to demonstrate their admirable physical prowess and sporting skill to an imaginary audience, which often resorted to wild cheering and sometimes even rioted and caused irreparable damage to the global economy, though this damage went vastly unnoticed.

Full of joie de vivre though they were, the young men and their actions disturbed several of their neighbours and one such decided to take the matter up with them. Her protestations were rebuffed shortly and she was informed that this current house in which they lived was theirs; and things thus being, they could act as they wished in it, without heeding or caring for the objections of others. Indeed, they might be said to have cocked a snook at the protests and complaints of others.

As they were of a jolly ilk, tired and exhausted after the struggles and labours of a full week of labour at their respective places of employment, these young men decided upon a course of action familiar to most, if not all, young men:- a recourse to the drink. A few bottles of liquor were quickly consumed by them at some friendly pub/bar/restaurant and naturally, their (ohwhatapun!)spirits were (ohherecomesanotherone!)high. Staggering home, they stumbled into bed one after the other, crucially forgetting to lock the door after them. The thus-left-half-open door provided the means of entry for the thief to subsequently enter the house and the drunk occupants of the house, and the security guard one floor below, caught a few winks. Decamping with the valuables documented earlier, he was never heard of again. He was never heard of before the incident too, for that matter; but that's beside the point.

Following in the footsteps of this master thief, a second theft took place in our apartment. Theft/thievery/deviltry seems to be a popular, and quite lucrative, profession for people in our area, otherwise populated by a large number of itinerant migrants. This time, the perpetrator was a homegrown security guard. 'Avast! Something is rotten in the state of BTM!', to paraphrase some dude from 'Hamlet.' But this man was so stupid, he took a bundle of tens and twenties, and then went downstairs and hid them in the electricity room. You know, the one with the meters for each house and the fuses and the anti-trip devices and stuff. That big room with the lock and the door where men go when there's a power problem and pretend to look interestedly at everything and make an effort to resolve the problem. It's the same when your car and bike breaks down. Especially the bike. We always stop and look down at the engine and the fuel pipe and the choke switch, as though we might discover something. Unless there's a little man in there, working the engine, and he comes out waving a big banner which says "Carburettor screwed! Piston blew! Get this bloody thing serviced!", we aren't going to fix a damned thing. But we sure look cool and knowledgeable. Fine, other men do. I just look silly.

Coming back, this security guard was soon apprehended. In flagrante delicto, as it were, and led off to the police station. Where they will apply shock therapy on him, no doubt. They've been doing this a lot, the police nearby. Must be a new technology or something. They're zapping everyone who goes there. This lady, a mother of two, went there last week and she came back looking like Albert Einstein.


Harish said...

That there is a huge security flaw in your apartment in the form of a lazy, reckless, reluctant, recalcitrant(if that makes sense here; it does sound good though) security guard has been observed by me quite a few times. I had infact made you too aware of this.But you being what you are, did not pay heed to my timely feedback. This goes to show that you are to be blamed entirely for the robbery that took place in your apartment.
Thank You

Harish said...

oLLe 'jolly ilk'-u.