Saturday, February 24, 2007

The classics, revisited.

"Wolf, wolf!"

There was once a boy who used to graze sheep in the forest. This was a very stupid thing because there were known to be many wild animals in the forest. Even a child knows that. Anyway, this little boy used to take the sheep to graze in the forest, for the grass there was particularly green and fresh and yummy.

Once, bored out of his mind, he decided to play a little joke on the people of the village. He came running from where the sheep grazed peacefully and yelled, "Wolf, wolf! There's a wolf taking my sheep!! Help!!! Wolf, wolf!!" The villagers all came running, armed cap-a-pie. To the teeth, even. There was no wolf. The boy started laughing at them.

"Ha ha, I fooled you! I fooled you all! There is no wolf. Ha ha!!"

So the villagers shot him and threw his body in the river.

He was never heard of again.


* * * * * * *


"Cinderella"

There was once a girl called Cinderella. She had two ugly sisters who, unsurprisingly enough, were virgins. When her mother died, her father married an old hag who didn't like Cinderella very much, probably because young Cindy was getting more action than the old hag. So she began treating little Cinderella very badly, making her do all the jobs around the house and beating her up when she didn't. The two ugly virgins joined the old hag in ill-treating Cinderella because they were the daughters of said hag.

One day, Cinderella got very, very pissed at all this injustice and said, "Hey what the fuck is this????" So the fairy godmother heard and she came down from her bourgeois palace in the kingdom above and asked Cinderella what the problem was and whether she was pregnant or something, since that would explain the bad mood. Cinderella said, "No, you idiotic woman, this sucks! I'm being treated so badly here. Do something about it!" So the fairy godmother planted on Cinderella a kiss, long and deep.

"No, not that! I get enough of that from the two ugly virgins. That's disgusting, I'm normal! Get me out of this!"
"Oh," said the fairy godmother, disappointed, "you're like the rest of them, aren't you? Well here are fur slippers. But some idiot'll mess up in the translation and call them glass slippers; so I might as well say it. Here are glass slippers."
"How the hell are these supposed to help??"
"I don't know, I just had them. Had to get rid of them some way." Then she did some silly tricks with pumpkins and chariots and stuff and gave Cinderella a warning about staying out after 11 PM, since the bars would all shut down, and disappeared.

So Cinderella cursed the stupid fairy godmother and wore the glass slippers to a ball to which she got invited magically. She danced and stuff and this gay prince fell in love with her. He was called Charming or Middlesbrough or some such thing. He tried to take her to a nearby closet and dip his ladle in her vichysoisse, to quote the Mask. But she remembered the warning and hit him with her slipper and, in the process, left it there and went home. And the prince person, he went all over town looking for a person with a glass slipper, since he was sure no two persons could be simultaneously stupid enough to possess glass slippers. Sure enough, he found Cinderella's house and found one of the ugly virgins trying out the glass slipper. Disappointed, he shot her and threw her body in the river. Then the other ugly virgin came out and he shot her too and threw her in the river as well. Then the old hag mother of the two ugly virgins came out and he shot her, just on general principle. Into the river she went. Then Cinderella came out and he saw her and they fell in love, she in a resigned "All right, let's get this over with" fashion more than anything else.

And they lived happily ever after.


* * * * * * *


"Snow white and the seven dwarfs"

There was this ugly queen who talked to mirrors. She asked a mirror, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" The mirror, quite surprisingly, answered. It said, "Snow White." So the queen had Snow White taken into the woods to be killed. But she wasn't killed because of some technicality. So she moved into a house full of dwarfs. The queen, meanwhile, asked the mirror once again and the mirror said the same thing. So the queen shot the mirror and threw it into the river and went searching for Snow White and found her. Then she shot all the dwarfs and threw their bodies into the river and took Snow White back to the palace.

And they lived happily ever after.


* * * * * * *


"Red Riding Hood"

A little girl wearing a red hood once went into the forest with some food and gifts for her grandmother. She was called Little Red Riding Hood. The girl, not the grandmother. Who cares what the granmother was called? A wolf accosted the girl and asked her where she was going. The stupid little girl told the wolf everything. The even stupider wolf actually went to the grandmother's house and waited for Little R.R.Hood. Instead of finishing her right there. Stupid wolf.

Anyway, the wolf went to the grandmother's house and, of course, you know what happens next. Yeah, that's right, shoot the grandmother and into the river. Hood goes to the house and doesn't even blink when she sees a large, ugly, transvestite wolf on her grandmother's bed. You'd think, "Come on, she wouldn't be fooled by a cross-dressing wolf now, would she?" She was. She even talked to the wolf, instead of getting the hell out of there.

"My, what big eyes you have, Grandma!" she said.
"Hey come on, I have myopia, so sue me.....er, I mean, the better to see you with, dear."
"My, what a big nose you have, Grandma!" continued Hood.
"I don't know what to say to that," said the wolf.
"My what a big mouth you have, Grandma!"
"OK, you runt, that's all the better to eat you with! Come here!" said the wolf and sprang out of bed. Little Red Riding Hood didn't even bat an eyelid. From the basket she was carrying, she yanked out an Uzi sub-machine gun and blasted the wolf to pieces. Then she threw his body in the river and went home and lived happily ever after.


* * * * * * *


"Peter Pan"

There was a little boy called Peter Pan. One day, he decided he wouldn't grow up. So his parents shot him and threw his body in the river. He was never heard of again.

They lived happily ever after.

14 comments:

Sandeep said...

hehe... olle elemens of sapphism-u...

Chanagide...

guru said...

oLLe revisiting-u!

Ramayana, Mahabharata?

Harish said...

FYI,
That was me.

Arcane Crapper said...

UZI SM!!! LMAO, ROTFL!!!!

Very guddu saar!

That inspires me to shoot everyone at SLV and throw them in a river.

(If I'm correct you must be a BMS prodigy, so I'm guessing you must be familiar with SLV. If not, ignore maadi.)

tangled said...

:D
lowely.

Arjun said...

[Sandeep]Houdu, ollle sapphism-u.

[guru]We did that in Vijaya high school, alva? I think Aneesh came up with a modern Ramayana, involving a game of chess between Rama and Ravana to decide the fate of the war(and refereed by Sita, I think), while you and I were somehow involved in the genesis of a modern Mahabharata.

[Harish]Yes.

[Arcane Crapper]Houdu, BMS alumnus naanu. Are you associated with Shri Businayana Mukundadas Sreenivasaiah College of Engineering in some way?

SLV...because of the ambience, or lack thereof, or some other reason?

Arjun said...

[tangled]Thank you, dear. :)

tangled said...

:)

Harish said...

[Arjun] yes, I remember.

sneha_april said...

sakkat agide kathe galu..

archana said...

Noun:vichyssoise 'vishee'swaaz
A creamy potato soup flavored with leeks and onions; usually served cold

Funny.

PP said...

This was surely one of the most amazing versions or "modern adaptations" of classics... though too many ppl went down the river (I'm a green revolutionary u see, So if u throw things down the river, i will, ok might, just have to kill you, and well, throw you down the river too:P)

The Psycho Blogger said...

personally i think it was just a waste of ammo

Anonymous said...

Into the river..
I laughing my ass out!
Excellent post ...