Saturday, October 28, 2006

The advantages of having an ant for a pet and instead of a baby.

You don't have to take him/her/it out for a walk. The little bastard will walk all around the place, and you, and get all the exercise he/she/it needs. You won't be bothered at all. You might only be slightly concerned when he/she/it fails to turn up at the right time at night. When you want to lock him/her/it in the cage.

Then again, you wouldn't need a cage.

(Henceforth, "he" will mean "he/she/it." Die, Liberals!)

You won't need to worry about taking him to his 'special place' for his morning poop. He will probably have already pooped all over the place, and you, and you wouldn't even have noticed it. He's also probably bombed your food with his dung and you've eaten it without noticing. Now this is an admirable talent. If people can't even make out when you've ejected hideous amounts of excreta into their surroundings, you are either a very small creature, with correspondingly small excreta, or your droppings have an amazing chameleonic capacity for blending in with their environment.

You won't need to worry about the little bastard(and this is not a derogatory term, either to ants or babies) waking up in the middle of the night and bawling at the top of his voice. For one, he has no voice. For another, even if he did, it would probably be so thin you wouldn't hear it. Thirdly, even if you do hear it, you can squash him and make it go away.

He will not fuss if you ignore him for days at length. In fact, he'll be happy about it. He will go to his friends' places, stay there overnight, get high on a little of the (formic)acid they have/produce, the good life. Later in life, if he's managed to survive till then without being squashed by you, he will not use this as an argument to steal away what little moral high ground you had when you accused him of not being attentive enough to you.

You won't need to enroll him into expensive schools and colleges. Don't be silly, ants don't attend school or college.

You won't have to give him oodles of money whenever he wants to go out to eat. He will eat anything. He will also find his own food, foraging here and there. In fact, if you're out of food and you think it's time to feed him(which is, of course, just a delusion on your part), you can just throw him a bit of your dandruff or a fingernail or some of that white stuff that collects in your eyes when you've slept a long time and he'll eat that happily.

He will not watch sex and violence on TV and in movies and 'be influenced' by it(Now come on, who gets 'influenced' by things on TV? I'm not talking about the news or live reported stuff. I'm talking about fictional stories, sitcoms, films, pornography. Kids who are 'influenced' by these things...well, deserve to be.).

You don't need to buy him a fancy leash or collar or pair of jeans. He will strut around naked as the day he was born/hatched/however-the-hell-it-is-ants-come-into-this-world. And he will not be traumatized by this(courtesy:- Nivedita).

You don't have to clean up after his mess. He will probably eat it himself, much like babies. Unlike babies, however, he will not promptly give it back to the world but instead, and here's where his enhanced usefulness comes in, turn it into formic acid(if he's red. If he's black, he will probably rap about how his 'white bitch ma' made him eat his own shit.). You can then, if you're suitably angry with him for having spoiled the ambience of your living room, distill him for the acid.

You must, of course, never distill a baby.

Dogs are moody, cats don't give a shit, babies are too fussy. Get an ant.

P.S:- I'm sorry I'm spoiling it all by putting in this, but babies are cool. They're as nonchalant about everything as ants and are also the funniest guys on earth. They're just not as perfect as ants, but they're working on it. We must give them time. We may have acid-producing babies yet.


tharunya said...

Don't forget their excellent defense mechanisms and protection capabilities, now. I'm sure your ant will be the first to leap at offending enemies and give them a good bite. :)

Harish said...

[Arjun]Yeh haasya hai!

c'est moi said...

@Arjun: I was told its women who have the "time ticking away" syndrome... Do I hear a "tick tock" in you?

Arjun Sharma said...

[Tharunya]"Yea, and I shall unleash the wrath of my ant upon thee! And that is not a metaphor in any way. And thou shalt feel his wrathful scorn and it shall smite thee and scourge thee and purge the earth of thee and thine."

Could be fun.

[Harish]Ya ya.

[Suhasini]What tick-tock? I work for Siemens....the defense rests.

subbu said...

Nico post man!! Especially liked "Kids who are influenced by stuff on TV deserve to be...."

nivedita said...

eww. Don't go on about the white stuff.

Cute post though, otherwise.

Arjun Sharma said...

[Subbu]Thank you.

[Nivedita]Thank you too.

OK, I will not go on about the white stuff. He he...

swaroop said...

This brings us to tongiht's BIG question.
Aaa-rr-e ants social animals?

Cast your vote now. Type 'Y' follwed by an exclmation mark, followed by a question mark, followed by all the letters of the english alphabet. You cannot type 'N'. You can also logon to

Anonymous said...

Interracial ants and ant pornography too. Hehehehee... Nice one.